Jewish World Review Oct. 13, 2008 / 14 Tishrei 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street staged a major rally after a disastrous opening Friday. The market responded to leadership. The rally began when Bill Clinton went on the air and reminded Americans that just because something is crooked doesn't mean it can't go up.
Baghdad's stock market was reported booming Friday thanks to Iraq's recovering economy. Its stock exchange isn't yet linked to the global financial system. American investors are calling the troops in Iraq and asking them to please send us some armor.
Commerce Bank of New York reported Friday that the coin redemption machines in its lobbies had a huge jump in transactions all week. It was easy to spot all the investment bankers in line. They were carrying their pennies in Cole Haan shoe boxes.
Barack Obama fundraiser Terrence Bean was outed Friday as a movie studio chief who makes gay sex movies. It could cost Obama votes in the Heartland. Americans by and large are very offended by sodomy unless it's performed by a licensed stockbroker.
The Coast Guard intercepted another mini-sub full of cocaine off the West Coast last week. Everyone knows when they're coming. Whenever the shipment gets within twenty miles of the drop-off point, blondes begin running into the ocean like grunion.
Paris Hilton told Harper's Bazaar Friday that Sarah Palin should wear low-cut blouses and tight skirts. Consider the source. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills told her plastic surgeon to make her just like Paris Hilton, so he gave her a lobotomy.
Virgin Airlines refused a million dollar offer from a movie producer Monday to shoot a porno film on their space flights. He wanted to film the first porno movie ever shot in zero gravity. It could revitalize the career of a lot of older actresses.
O.J. Simpson went to jail Friday after his conviction for the hotel room robbery at the Palace Station in Las Vegas last year. O.J. had no idea that everything in the hotel room was being recorded. Some guys still live in a pre-September 11th world
Barack Obama denied any terrorist ties to Bill Ayers on ABC News Wednesday. He may have other skeletons in that area. According to Nevada's voter registration rolls, Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden have already voted for him by mail in Las Vegas.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton