Jewish World Review Oct. 6, 2008 / 7 Tishrei 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
O.J. Simpson's robbery and kidnapping trial went to the jury in Las Vegas Friday after closing arguments. The prosecutor played a tape of the crime in progress. The jury wouldn't deliberate until they saw the House vote on the Wall Street bailout bill.
Steve Fossett's plane was located near Mammoth Lakes Thursday a year after the billionaire adventurer took off in a single engine aircraft and went missing. His airplane crashed exactly a year before his portfolio crashed. He got out just in time.
Congress passed the Wall Street bailout bill Friday, transferring seven hundred billion dollars in bad mortgage debt to taxpayers. The banks are giddy. After the bill passed, one congressman inserted his bank card into the ATM machine and it moaned.
Warren Buffett bought GE Thursday a week after he bought Goldman Sachs. He's enjoying the bloodbath. Last night Warren Buffett went to a Halloween party wearing the front page of the Wall Street Journal over his face and he won for scariest costume.
The U.S. Senate passed a Wall Street bailout bill including two hundred million dollars for Puerto Rican and Virgin Island rum distillers. No apology needed. We are doing all we can to help investment bankers and if they like daiquiris, so be it.
Georgia's gasoline shortages caused by Hurricane Ike eased up Friday when gulf refineries began producing full steam. People there are willing to sit in their cars in gas lines for as long as it takes. That's how much they hate Marching through Georgia.
Sarah Palin and Joe Biden squared off in the vice presidential debate Thursday, televised from Washington University in St. Louis. Americans tuned in just to see how many mistakes they would make. That's why the debate was sponsored by Liquid Paper.
Barack Obama flew to Chicago and took his wife to dinner for their anniversary Friday. What a night. They were toasted by six network news anchors, the editorial board of the New York Times, two hundred cable news show hosts, and the NBC Orchestra.
Beverly Hills residents suffered more coyote attacks on their pets Monday. The coyotes deploy females in heat to lure dogs outside, then devour them. In their own defense, the coyotes say the dogs should never have signed up for such stupid mortgages.
The New York Yankees re-signed general manager Brian Cashman Thursday. The team needs to recapture its focus. Alex Rodriguez cheered up sick kids in the hospital this morning by promising them he would fill an inside straight in tonight's big game.
Bill Clinton began campaigning for Barack Obama in Florida on Wednesday. The two men couldn't be more different. Polls say that Barack Obama seems detached from the needs of ordinary Americans, as opposed to Bill Clinton who was on top of everything.
Hillary Clinton was reported Thursday to be campaigning half-heartedly for Barack Obama because he won't promise her a Supreme Court nomination. Barack Obama is no fool. He's not about to give her a chance to reverse the result of the Iowa caucus.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton