Jewish World Review Oct. 2, 2008 / 3 Tishrei 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street soared Tuesday, one day after the bailout bill's defeat in Congress caused an eight hundred point drop. Home foreclosures are dragging down the world's wealthiest people. A few months ago Ed McMahon was a pariah, and today he's a pioneer.
The New York Mets blew the division lead and failed to make the playoffs again Sunday. Last week one Mets fan paid ten thousand dollars for Mets playoff tickets, but he did not lose his money. He paid for them with his Washington Mutual debit card.
New York's billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans Thursday to run for a third term. He must maneuver around the two-term limit. He only takes one dollar a year in salary but after the week he's had in the market, he needs the four bucks.
John McCain's debate with Barack Obama Friday drew unexpectedly low television ratings. The political analysts were shocked by the low number of viewers. This is why the three broadcast networks still won't put an interracial couple in a TV show.
Hillary Clinton's Beverly Hills pantsuit designer let the L.A. Times photograph a mannequin made to her exact measurements. Maybe Hillary hasn't paid her boutique bill. In Beverly Hills, if you stiff the dress designer your measurements go up on the Internet.
Barack Obama spoke to a wildly cheering crowd of believers in Reno Tuesday. He said he favors increasing the limit on insurance for bank accounts. The crowd tapped their feet impatiently until he finally got around to the Blessing of the Dice.
Somali pirates seized a freighter in the Indian Ocean and demanded a ransom of twenty million dollars. The U.S. Navy has the ship surrounded. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said he will work with Congress to develop a rescue plan for the pirates.
The New York Yankees missed the playoffs for the first time in twelve years on Sunday. It went unnoticed. If you'd been told in April that the men in pinstripes would be eliminated by October, you never would've thought they meant Lehman Brothers.
Citigroup swallowed up wounded Wachovia Bank Monday. Last week Washington Mutual was devoured by JP Morgan. The ratings for Animal Planet have never been higher since they pulled their cameras out of Africa and started covering Wall Street.
Washington Mutual collapsed under the weight of defaulted home loans last week but the investment house JP Morgan came to the rescue and purchased the embattled bank. It had survived two world wars and a depression. The bank was founded in January.
Wall Street plunged Monday as the Dow Jones fell hundreds of points after the bailout failed. It may not have been the bailout, the markets might have been reacting to the end of the quarter. Even parking meters are only taking folding money.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton