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February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
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David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
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Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
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Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
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Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
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Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
Oct. 21, 2008
/ 22 Tishrei 5769
Cyberspace invaders
By
Malcolm Fleschner
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Like most people these days, I don't bother reading the majority of my email. Who hasn't learned, often through painful experience, not to be tricked by even the most enticing subject lines ("Rolex watches for only $10? Wow, what a great deal!")? What amazes me, however, is the number of emails I receive with nonsense subject lines like "New with investigating radio!" "Rubber seal trip-lock crown," or "Where's that money you owe me, Malcolm?" Naturally, these messages get deleted, unread. But the award for "least appealing email" has to go to one I received the other day with a subject line reading - I swear this is true - " McCain Sex Tape Surfaces."
At least these emails were in English. Nowadays my inbox is regularly filled with spam featuring cryptic subject lines like "ixd for blqn wpk" or "hrrg newby zzoxel time." Frankly, it's a little disappointing - if spammers want me to fall for a Nigerian email scam or some phony-baloney "male enhancement" product, the least they can do is come up with a decent subject line. "Realistically," I wondered, "who on earth would open these emails?" And then it occurred to me: no one on earth would. Or, more precisely, no one from earth. Clearly, these messages carry coded subject lines that only alien creatures living among us can decipher.
Now for you hardcore "skeptics," I realize that a few emails with incoherent subject lines may not represent sufficient proof of alien life on earth. As my grandfather used to wonder, "If there are aliens, how come you never see one of their spaceships flying down 5th Avenue?" Putting aside for a moment the notion that a race of super-intelligent beings would be foolish enough to battle midtown Manhattan traffic, a better question is, "Has anyone who's walked on the moon confirmed the existence of aliens?"
Until recently, the answer to that question has always been, "No, at least not publicly." But then last week Apollo XIV astronaut Edgar Mitchell told an Australian radio station that aliens had definitely visited earth numerous times, and that the US government has been covering it up for 60 years.
By way of reassurance, Mitchell added that these aliens are not hostile. Otherwise, as he said, "we would have been gone by now." What a relief!
But if the aliens aren't looking to take over, what are they doing here? And can they confirm that they're responsible for heretofore unexplained phenomena like crop circles, the Bermuda Triangle and Don King's hair? According to the "alien abduction" crowd, our uninvited guests' primary purpose has been to drug earthlings and explore our extraordinarily personal areas.
Sure, the aliens' emphasis on probing could reflect some bizarre interplanetary perversion (that would also explain their interest in the McCain sex tape) but what if they're just trying to help? As a man approaching 40, I will soon be subjected to all sorts of indignities at the gloved hands (and other implements) of medical science. Perhaps, understanding how reluctant many people are to schedule such examinations, the aliens are merely doing the preventative medical work for us. Say what you will about being kidnapped and taken aboard a UFO, but an alien abduction doesn't involve weeks of apprehension about an upcoming procedure or wearing a handkerchief-sized gown revealing exactly what part of the body that probe will be exploring and, most importantly, no alien has ever refused to probe an earthling for lack of medical insurance.
Realistically, the aliens are probably just here to study us, the same way we study wild animals. Just think of all those bears who've stumbled back to their bear buddies, dazedly telling wild stories about being snatched up, drugged, and transported to a place where strange beings conducted all kinds of experiments on them before stapling a tag to their ears and releasing them, otherwise unharmed, back where they were originally abducted.
Sound familiar? The only difference is that the aliens, as superior beings, have clearly grown weary of the same old routine, so they've started competing to find the most unusual places to "tag" earthlings. Or maybe you think it's a coincidence that so many people nowadays have piercings in the most cringe-inducing places. Don't be naďve.
But even if we accept that aliens have been here for a while, a few questions remain. First, how has the government managed to keep this information hidden from the public? And is the same government agency responsible for keeping the truth from getting out about the Kennedy assassination, the conspiracy behind the 9-11 attacks and the fact that Ryan Seacrest is actually some sort of elf? And if so, shouldn't we put this government agency, with its track record of success, to work on our more pressing problems, like winning the war in Iraq, reversing global warming and finding a male enhancement product that really works?
JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.
Previously:
10/21/08: Keeping up disappearances
09/17/08: Victims of math hysteria
08/07/08: My newfound sense of self (promotion)
06/24/08: Getting the brand back together
05/29/08: Phrased and confused
05/13/08: Take this job and love it
04/17/08: News you can (re)use
04/02/08: Commercial (over)load
02/20/08: An overdose of reality
02/14/08: A developing situation
01/30/08: I can tech it or leave it
01/02/08: Confessions of a coke addict
01/02/08: Our bills are due
12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning
© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner
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