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Oct. 16, 2009
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Oct. 15, 2009
JWisdom.com: Former MTV producer and stand-up comedian Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff: Taming a Control Freak (A VERY fast 15 minutes)
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Jewish World Review
Oct. 6, 2008
/ 7 Tishrei 5769
O.J. seeks bailout
By
Andy Borowitz
Juice: Incarceration would hurt cable nets' bottom line
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Minutes after being convicted of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas, former football great O.J. Simpson said he would seek government intervention, claiming that his imprisonment would cost the nation's cable news networks untold billions of dollars.
"My three trials have generated billions of dollars for the cable TV industry, not to mention the tabloids," Mr. Simpson told reporters outside the Las Vegas courthouse. "All those billions go away if I go away."
Mr. Simpson made his case for the government bailing him out of jail, arguing that as long as he is a free man he is likely to become involved in other criminal cases that could generate much-needed television revenue.
"As long as the Juice is loose, there's no telling what trouble I'll get into," he promised. "And that means one thing to the TV networks: cold hard cash."
The former Heisman Trophy winner said that with the nation's economy teetering on recession, the U.S. could ill afford "putting a major financial asset like O.J. Simpson out of circulation."
"You'll see, the cable networks will miss me, and their bottom lines will show it," he said. "They can't keep reporting about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian forever."
At the University of Minnesota's School of Law, professor Davis Logsdon said there is "a valuable lesson to be learned" from Mr. Simpson's conviction: "Apparently, in America it's easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia."
Andy's Archives
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2008, Andy Borowitz
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