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Jewish World Review Oct. 26, 2007 / 14 Mar-Cheshvan 5768 Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The newcomer to the South was telling me that, after living here for about a year, she'd accepted the superiority of "sweet" tea; she'd discovered that grits are just poor man's polenta so shuddering and going "Ewwww!" really isn't appropriate; and she'd even learned to laugh if a Southern child lifted his shirt, pointed to his belly button and explained, "Tha's where the Yankees shot me." But could I please explain to her, "Why is it, exactly, that Southerners are completely nice and friendly until they get behind the wheel of a car?" Oh. That. Yes, well. The only thing I can figure is that maybe we're tired of being so nice the rest of the time that we like being a little hateful in the relative anonymity of our cars. That will be 35 cents, please. It's true. Southerners are all "After you, no you, no you first!" until we get in our cars. You blink for us to let you into OUR lane and we just pretend not to see you. Hey, you should've left home earlier. You want to know what your problem is? Poor planning. On the road, the average Southern driver takes on a "wouldn't give you air if'n you were trapped in a jug" mentality. Turn signals? For years I've told newcomers to the South that we don't use them for a very simple reason: We know where we're going and it's nobody else's dang business. We also believe that when it comes to traffic signals, red is the new yellow. Also: the green arrow requires at least a seven-second delay of response `cause we love to see that little vein pop out on your forehead as you sit and stew behind us. In the South, at a four-way stop, the rule is simple: The truck with the biggest tires always has the right of way. In the event that there is no truck, just cars, then the right of way always belongs to me. I'm serious. We also believe that licenses are for other people. Southern-born Britney Spears had a half-dozen tickets for various offenses including hit-and-run before the L.A. cops finally noticed she didn't even have a driver's license. Details. When we do get a license, we're going to say "them" even though there's just one license. Here's how we'd use that in a sentence. Kevin Federline: "Did you get your license?" Brit: "I got `em!" Kevin: "It don't matter; I got the kids." Brit: "Dang." I hope this clears everything up. In the meantime, I'm going to drive 45 in the fast lane on the interstate. That popping vein thing just never gets old. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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