Jewish World Review Oct. 26, 2007 / 14 Mar-Cheshvan 5768
Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em
By Celia Rivenbark
But could I please explain to her, "Why is it, exactly, that Southerners are completely nice and friendly until they get behind the wheel of a car?"
Yes, well. The only thing I can figure is that maybe we're tired of being so nice the rest of the time that we like being a little hateful in the relative anonymity of our cars. That will be 35 cents, please.
It's true. Southerners are all "After you, no you, no you first!" until we get in our cars.
You blink for us to let you into OUR lane and we just pretend not to see you. Hey, you should've left home earlier. You want to know what your problem is? Poor planning.
On the road, the average Southern driver takes on a "wouldn't give you air if'n you were trapped in a jug" mentality.
Turn signals? For years I've told newcomers to the South that we don't use them for a very simple reason: We know where we're going and it's nobody else's dang business.
We also believe that when it comes to traffic signals, red is the new yellow. Also: the green arrow requires at least a seven-second delay of response `cause we love to see that little vein pop out on your forehead as you sit and stew behind us.
In the South, at a four-way stop, the rule is simple: The truck with the biggest tires always has the right of way. In the event that there is no truck, just cars, then the right of way always belongs to me.
We also believe that licenses are for other people. Southern-born Britney Spears had a half-dozen tickets for various offenses including hit-and-run before the L.A. cops finally noticed she didn't even have a driver's license.
When we do get a license, we're going to say "them" even though there's just one license. Here's how we'd use that in a sentence.
Kevin Federline: "Did you get your license?"
Brit: "I got `em!"
Kevin: "It don't matter; I got the kids."
I hope this clears everything up. In the meantime, I'm going to drive 45 in the fast lane on the interstate. That popping vein thing just never gets old.
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Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services