Jewish World Review Oct. 9, 2007 / 27 Tishrei 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Log Cabin Republicans said Friday they'll oppose Mitt Romney. They are a group of gay Republicans founded upon the evidence that Abe Lincoln was secretly gay. Do you know how hard you had to tap your foot so the guy could hear you in the next outhouse?
Larry Craig said Friday he will stay in the Senate despite promising to resign if his lewd conduct guilty plea was upheld. No one can pin him down. You'd think from the way he is trying to squirm out of this that he was busted in the wiggle room.
Minneapolis Airport lowered the men's room stall dividers Friday after Senator Larry Craig's arrest last month. They now extend from the ceiling to the floor. It proves once again that public improvements never get done until somebody gets hurt.
Britney Spears lost custody of her two kids on Monday to former husband Kevin Federline in Los Angeles. After the decision, she drove herself to a tanning salon despite the risks. With no kids on her lap she could be seriously hurt in a car wreck.
The CIA reported on Saturday that every capital city in Europe is under threat of al-Qaeda attack. Response was swift. Paris thanked the agency, Berlin laughed it off and London broke into the usual debate over whether or not Britain is in Europe.
Mitt Romney reported raising ten million dollars in the third quarter Friday. He loaned himself seventeen million dollars from his own fortune. This presidential race may be a grand adventure for Mitt Romney but it's no longer cute to his children.
New Mexico Congresswoman Heather Wilson said Friday she will run for the Senate next year. It'll be closely watched. The most exciting House race is in La Jolla, where an English Tudor is leading a Spanish colonial by the length of the front porch.
The New York Knicks began training camp on Wednesday, the day after coach Isiah Thomas was found liable for sexual harassment. It was grueling. The team spent the first day of practice working on hip-checking, and other career-ending office skills.
Fred Thompson backed ethanol subsidies in Iowa Wednesday. You can't win in Iowa unless you favor high corn prices. The only way Fred Thompson could avoid endorsing ethanol subsidies is to convince farmers that his movies still sell a lot of popcorn.
Hillary Clinton announced she raised twenty-seven million dollars in the third quarter. It was easy. She promised her husband in June that if he raised twenty-five million dollars in the next quarter, she'd look the other way for an hour.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton