Jewish World Review Oct. 1, 2007 / 19 Tishrei 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | . O.J. Simpson's If I Did It hit number one on the New York Times best seller list Friday, just ahead of Bill Clinton's book, Giving. They are both handy guides. One book tells you how to save the world while the other tells you how to save on alimony.
Beatles producer Phil Spector got a hung jury last week in the murder trial of actress Lana Clarkson in Los Angeles. It was a split decision. The jury deadlocked on the guilt of Phil Spector but they convicted his hairstylist of disorderly conduct.
Florida animal investigators busted a kennel owner in Hillsborough for feeding steroids to pit bulls. Now no one knows what to do with the supersized attack dogs. We can always put their pictures on the currency to deter North Korean counterfeiters.
Minneapolis airport on Friday replaced the stalls in the men's room with dividers that go almost all the way to the floor. It's to prevent men from signaling for sex. The next day the only person arrested for soliciting an undercover cop was Gumby.
Nancy Pelosi told a Hispanic crowd Thursday she thinks a border wall is an awful idea. She also wants illegal aliens to pay in-state tuition. It really saves the Republicans a lot of money when the Democrats make their campaign commercials for them.
Hillary Clinton said Friday every baby born in America should get five thousand dollars. She means well. The idea is to have so many Mexicans pouring over the border that their momentum carries them into Canada where a dollar is worth something.
Barry Bonds's record home-run ball was voted into the Hall of Fame Tuesday with an asterisk stamped on it. The vote was held by the memorabilia collector who bought it. O.J. Simpson just called Barry Bonds and asked if he needed any help getting his ball back.
The U.S. Navy agreed Wednesday to change the configuration of its naval barracks at Coronado near San Diego. From the air, the buildings appear to be in the shape of a swastika. Most pilots had just figured it was a La Jolla real estate development.
The War by documentary filmmaker Ken Burns topped the ratings on Sunday, setting a viewership record for PBS. Younger viewers were astonished. They can't believe we were fighting the Japanese when it's the Chinese that cover our toys in lead paint.
The Pentagon on Tuesday admitted losing track of thirty percent of all weapons shipped to Iraq in the last four years and conceded that some of the weapons may now be in the hands of the terrorists. There's little we can do to the culprits. The U.S. military is stretched way too thin to attack America and defend it simultaneously.
The Victoria's Secret store in Flagstaff, Arizona, was robbed of three hundred and fifty bras in broad daylight on Sunday. The state's senior U.S. senator, John McCain, is the number-one suspect. He will do anything to push up his approval ratings.
Hillary Clinton widened her lead in the Gallup Poll Tuesday. After nothing but male presidents, not everyone's ready for a woman. Rudy Giuliani should air photos of himself wearing that dress on Saturday Night Live and run as the Middle Way.
Hillary Clinton's web site offered a contest for donors on Tuesday. The winner gets to sit next to Bill Clinton on a hotel couch and watch a Democratic debate. At sixty he is too old to control his hands so they might as well sell access to them.
Larry Craig tried to withdraw his lewd conduct guilty plea in Minneapolis this week. His GOP Senate colleagues are trying to help save his career. They hired the Washington D.C. madam to set him up in a straight sex scandal, hoping it re-programs him.
The Detroit News said Rudy Giuliani was hounded by Ron Paul supporters on a Michigan ferry last Friday. He was so intimidated that he hid in the pilothouse. To hear Rudy tell the story, he saved the Ford headquarters building from a suicide riverboat pilot.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton