I want to know when Dr. Phil plans to do a show on the real problem brewing in America's bedrooms today. Will he be brave enough to take the first real swat at the evil temptress that threatens to undermine the healthy sex lives of every couple I know?
This cheap little tart, flimsy and soulless as paper, is wrecking relationships from coast to coast. Who am I talking about? Well, she answers to "Sudoku," which is Japanese for "You're not getting any tonight, or possibly ever, because this wacky little grid of numbers will see to that."
My women friends and I have discovered that men can't resist the slutty Sudoku. The "wordless crosswords" (right away this makes no sense) are like Kryptonite to the entire Victoria's Secret inventory.
A friend I'll call "Susie" said that she emerged recently from the bathroom trailing the scent of luscious bath oils and wearing an adorable new chemise. There was passion in her eyes as she approached the bed where she found her husband, "Fred" fretfully erasing and muttering.
"Honey?" she purred softly, "How do you like my outfit?"
Fred looked up, grunted distractedly and returned to his puzzle. "In a minute," he said. "I can't believe I didn't see that 8. What was I THINKING?" Yes, what were you thinking Fred?
In hushed tones in the park, in the carpool line, at lunch, we hang our heads and plot ways to combat Sudoku. It's not like any kind of competition we ever expected, frankly.
Southern women are especially gifted at dispatching man-encroaching hoochie mamas to the four winds but THIS? A mind-bending and hateful little square full of numbers? It's one thing to be ignored for ESPN but, I repeat, THIS?
To be fair, we've done some ignoring our own selves. Did we not just say no when Lifetime premiered "The Mermaid Chair" recently? But this was Kim Basinger seducing a priest while her crazy mother hovered in the background and chopped her own fingers off one by one! Surely we get a pass for that.
To be rejected for a bunch of blank squares just seems wrong.
Sudoku lures our men away with promises of being "light and easy" (men love both of those qualities in a woman); but then they better beware. Next is "demanding" and then, finally "very challenging."
Oh, sure, Sudoku is all "beer and ballgames are fun!" at first but watch out, guys. Before long, there are three numbers where there were once six and, next thing you know, it's "Mama's coming to live with us and I need a Lexus."
Jenga's looking better all the time.