Jewish World Review Oct. 30, 2006 / 8 Mar-Cheshvan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Exxon Mobil reported record third-quarter earnings of ten billion dollars on Thursday following a summer of record gas consumption. The people at Google can't believe it. Apparently a lot of people are still searching for things in their cars.
Senator John Kerry said Tuesday he thinks Americans should give him a second chance. He connects with people much better now. In the last election, when the sirens sounded during a tornado in Iowa he asked for directions to the nearest wine cellar.
Ted Kennedy and John Kerry each donated half a million dollars from their campaign funds to the Democratic Party. They would rather keep all the cash and use it to win next year. It's an idea they got from a plaque in the Chicago Cubs front office.
Bill Clinton threw a golf tournament for his foundation donors at a New York Country Club Sunday and then he treated them to a Rolling Stones concert. He's accomplished one thing. Nobody's done a hillbilly joke on Arkansas in fourteen years.
The World Series was beaten badly in the ratings Tuesday by Dancing with the Stars. The networks were stunned to learn that Americans preferred ballroom dancing to baseball. It is the most convincing evidence yet that Al Gore was robbed.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested in London on Wednesday for assaulting an immigration agent after having previously physically attacked six maids. It's no secret why she's so cranky. If she gets any skinnier, Madonna's going to adopt her.
Senator George Allen released excerpts Tuesday from his Democratic opponent's novels, which include gay sex with underage boys. The encounter is homoerotic and graphic. When it's made into a movie it's going to be called Mr. Smith Goes to Rehab.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger opened up a big lead in the polls Thursday in the California governor's race. Under the Constitution he can't run for president. His plan is to stay in politics until he is old enough for the Walter Brennan roles.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton