Jewish World Review Oct. 23, 2006 / 1 Mar-Cheshvan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Dallas Cowboys will host the New York Giants tonight. Superstars Terrell Owens and Jeremy Shockey spent all weekend watching film. The coaches sent them to see Marie Antoinette to show them what eventually happens to all prima donnas.
The FBI said the threat to blow up NFL stadiums Sunday was a hoax by two guys competing to think up the scariest terror scenario. What an idiotic contest. It's horrifying to realize that Jackass Two was more inspiring than Flags of Our Fathers.
New York prosecutors announced Friday they won't prosecute John Gotti Junior a fourth time after failing three previous times to convict him on racketeering charges. The first three trials ended in hung juries. That's enough casualties.
Sir Paul McCartney registered his name as a trademark for use on a clothing line and vegetarian foods. He really doesn't need to trademark it. No one's going to want to steal his name while it's being sued for one billion dollars in alimony.
Journal Science says U.S. and British scientists successfully tested a cloak of invisibility. It uses heat to bend light and create a mirage to cloak things from the naked eye. It's how mobsters and adulterers moved around freely in Las Vegas for years.
Bobby Knight signed a deal Thursday to stay at Texas Tech six more years. He has become the fond object of nationwide nostalgia. It's hard to believe there was a time in America when terrorism meant throwing a chair across a basketball court.
Bill Clinton campaigned in Maryland Tuesday for the Democratic candidate for Senate. The crowd went wild for him. Nothing challenges Bill Clinton to rise to the occasion like when the comedians are talking about another politician's sex life.
China began building a wall on its North Korean border Friday. They must keep refugees from crossing the border illegally. If labor gets any cheaper in China, rabble-rousing abolitionists from Massachusetts may threaten the Wal-Mart way of life.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton