Jewish World Review Oct. 3, 2006 / 11 Tishrei, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Terrell Owens told reporters Friday he was shattered when his former fiancee didn't call him last week after he overdosed on painkillers. At least we know he's clean. Back when the Dallas Cowboys did cocaine the girls wouldn't leave them alone.
Tiger Woods won the American Express Championship near London Sunday for his sixth victory in a row. The crowd cheered wildly every time he shot an eagle. You just can't overstate the amount of anti-Americanism that's out there right now.
The Los Angeles Dodgers won three games in San Francisco to make the playoffs Sunday. Attendance was light. When Congressman Mark Foley had to resign for soliciting teenage boys, many people in San Francisco stayed home all weekend erasing e-mails.
U.S. Rep. Mark Foley was investigated by the FBI Saturday for e-mailing teenage boys. Speaker Hastert called for a criminal probe of the Florida congressman. Democrats held two press conferences defending the guy until they realized he is a Republican.
The U.S. Senate finally passed the bill Friday to build a seven-hundred-mile-long wall on the Mexican border. It will be twenty feet high. Nobody knows if it'll slow illegal immigration but it guarantees Mexico the gold medal in the pole vault next Olympics.
Bob Woodward appeared on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday to promote State of Denial, his new book about White House infighting over the war. It's very much a father-son thing. Mike Wallace crucified President Bush and Chris Wallace crucified President Clinton.
FBI officials in Washington said Sunday they worry terrorists will ally with organized crime in America to plot terrorist attacks. That's insane. Not even the janitors union struck the World Trade Center when John Gotti protected New York.
Bill Clinton was accused of hitting on Demi Moore by her husband Ashton Kutcher after they sat together at a banquet. He greatly admired her performance as a stripper in Striptease. Reviewers all agreed, only the German Army abused more poles.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton