Jewish World Review Oct. 1, 2006 / 9 Tishrei, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Dallas Cowboys were expected to start troubled Terrell
Owens in Sunday's game against Tennessee. The team said he spent
all day Friday in team drills practicing cutting and running. Who
says you can't be both a cowboy and a Democrat?
Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens was unfazed by reports Wednesday saying he tried to kill himself on painkiller pills. The flamboyant superstar told reporters he was never in any danger. He's convinced that he's good enough to rise from the dead.
Warren Beatty releases his classic movie Reds on DVD
nationwide Monday. It's about the Bolshevik revolution. Warren
Beatty made a huge fortune producing the movie Reds, which isn't
exactly how Karl Marx diagrammed the play in the locker room.
Charlie Sheen signed a deal to stay on ABC's Two and a Half
Men. The money is one-third what sitcom stars once got. The
network audience is shrinking so fast that Katie Couric got the
job as CBS anchor because she comes from a really large family.
Congressman Mark Foley of Florida resigned Friday for
sending sexual e-mails to a sixteen-year-old male page. He really
gave himself away. He moonwalked through the metal detector each
morning and there are signs that he bleaches his skin.
Senator George Allen of Virginia was accused of using the n-
word openly and loudly back in college. His opponent used sexist
language at West Point. If they could learn to work together they
could get a contract with Death Row Records.
Hillary Clinton urged Howard Dean Friday to stop building
the party for the long term and start raising money for the
November elections, noting that Republicans have raised three
times as much money. Democrats just don't get it. If they're ever
going to raise any money they have to stop coming out in favor of
higher taxes on donors.
Al Gore showed the United Nations a movie Thursday with
computer animations of the oceans rising to engulf and destroy New
York and San Francisco. He wanted to show that cigarettes
contribute to global warming. Republicans are advised by their
urologists to watch the movie a half-hour before sex and it'll
save you ten dollars.
Saudi Arabia began building a wall Friday along its five-hundred-mile border with Iraq. They didn't think it through. A border wall always seems like a good idea at first, but the Saudis will be sorry when housing construction costs triple overnight.
The Sons of Confederate Veterans demanded Thursday that Senator George Allen apologize for disrespecting the rebel flag. It never ends. In the past week he's apologized for offending South Asians, blacks and Jews, all while he was wearing a Redskins cap.
Former White House adviser Karen Hughes spoke with reporters Thursday about the difficulties of her job in the State Department. She's in charge of repairing the U.S. image in the Middle East. Every now and then she likes to sit around with Tom Cruise's publicist and Mel Gibson's publicist and see if anybody has any ideas.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton