Jewish World Review Oct. 17, 2005 / 14 Tishrei, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Ted Kennedy attempted to rescue six men trapped by a high
tide on a jetty at Hyannisport Sunday but had to leave it to
firefighters. He tried to rescue the men using a thirteen-foot
boat until rough waters forced him back. He should have taken the car.
The Minnesota Vikings had an orgy during a boat cruise on
Thursday. The team issued a written apology for the public display
of sex and drinking and drug use. The NFL commissioner reviewed it
carefully and decided to make it a form letter.
The Chicago White Sox won the pennant for the first time in
forty-five years Sunday. They play in south Chicago in Al Capone's
old neighborhood. At the request of the Braille Institute the team
doesn't sell bathtub gin after the seventh inning.
Hollywood's lobbyist Dan Glickman told Fox News Sunday he
wishes stars would stay out of politics. He went from being
Agriculture Secretary to Hollywood's top lobbyist on Capitol Hill.
It's regarded as a lateral move in the fertilizer industry.
New York Times reporter Judy Miller will address the Society
of Professional Journalists this week in Las Vegas. It's at the
Aladdin Hotel. When she sees the billboards she's going to wish
she had never been photographed wearing handcuffs.
Newt Gingrich in a speech in Alabama Thursday charged that
Democrats have no foreign policy ideas of their own. Blame lack of
leadership. It's not like the days of the Clinton Doctrine, which
declared that monogamy is the enemy of free will.
The Minnesota Vikings held an orgy on a boat cruise last
Thursday that could cost them a taxpayer-financed stadium. They
may have to move. Los Angeles fans knew if we stood by our
principles we would eventually get an NFL team that reflects our
New England was flooded Friday as wildfires threatened Los
Angeles only four weeks after killer hurricanes laid waste to the
Gulf Coast. It's no coincidence. Nobody's life or property can be
considered safe when the U.S. Congress is in session.
British stage star Daniel Craig was cast Thursday as James
Bond. Critics are asking why such a serious actor would take such
a shallow role. Other than the fame and the cash and the power and
the women it's the emptiest existence imaginable.
The New Orleans Police Department was sued Friday over the
videotaped beating of a black suspect last week. He was accused of
walking the streets drunk in the French Quarter. It is a
misdemeanor in New Orleans to get a head start on everybody.
Harriet Miers's past law articles surfaced Friday. She
advocated affirmative action, legal aid for the poor and higher
taxes to ensure justice for all. She ought to withdraw before they
find out she was Diane Keaton's stunt double in Reds.
Bill and Hillary's first house in Fayetteville, Arkansas,
was made into a museum Thursday. It leaves you wistful. The lamp
fragments are so deeply embedded in the wall that anybody can see
what a great softball pitcher Hillary might have been.
Howard Dean predicted the Democrats will retake Congress
Friday. They'd better get some new ideas. Democrats aren't going
to win any elections until they come up with something better than
asking Michael Moore to make an anti-hurricane movie.
Hillary Clinton spoke to a synagogue in Beverly Hills on
Thursday during the Yom Kippur services. Her writers think of
everything. She got a huge round of applause when she reminded the
congregation her husband's last girlfriend was Jewish.
New York Governor George Pataki announced Wednesday he will speak at an Iowa county Republican dinner later this month. He must be running for president. About the only other time you will see a New Yorker in Iowa is if the plane crashes.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton