Jewish World Review Oct. 3, 2005 / 29 Elul, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles remained threatened by brushfires Monday as
Santa Ana winds blew into town off the Imperial Desert. According
to Indian lore these desert winds drive people insane. That's such
a short drive in Los Angeles, most people just walk.
The North Dakota Fighting Sioux logo was ruled damaging and
offensive by the NCAA on Wednesday. They nailed the wrong school.
If the NCAA wants to get rid of a mascot that's damaging and
offensive they ought to abolish the Miami Hurricanes.
The Oakland Raiders upended the Dallas Cowboys behind the
arm of quarterback Kerry Collins on Sunday. He's been a particular
nemesis. For seven years Kerry Collins has been a member of the
Dallas Cowboys' biggest rival, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Colombia refused a U.S. request Sunday to spray weed-killer
on their nature parks to kill the coca plants. They grow
unmolested in forty-nine national parks. Each coca plant is
protected by a caterpillar wearing bell-bottoms and a purple knit hat.
The Supreme Court agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's claim
on Howard Marshall's oil fortune. She was a stripper and he was a
dirty old oilman. When they took the Ten Commandments off the
courthouse steps there was no way to keep the case out.
USA Today reported Friday that gasoline sales are down
fifteen percent. They said high gas prices are wiping out
cigarette, candy and soft drink sales. There's a risk everyone
could live to a hundred and bankrupt the entire Social Security system.
Michael Brown told Congress last Monday Louisiana leaders
were dysfunctional during the relief effort in New Orleans. He
remains faultless. Two weeks ago Michael Brown resigned as
director of FEMA so he could spend more time keeping his wife and
Ring of Fire, it was announced Friday, opens on Broadway in
February. The show is a musical about the life of Johnny Cash.
Forty-two years ago Ring of Fire was the singer's first hit song
and today it's a vacation travel brochure for Los Angeles.
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts was sworn into
office Thursday and he will preside when the court opens Monday.
At his young age he could swear in the next ten presidents. He
will be calling Bushes and Clintons like a square dance.
Hillary Clinton canceled a trip to Puerto Rico Thursday for
fear of violence from pro-independence activists on her arrival.
She's seen as a colonialist. They look at the way she has
subjugated her husband and they don't want to live like that.
Warren Beatty didn't deny Friday that he may run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor of California. It's all about them. When it was announced Thursday that Judith Miller had been released, they both asked how it was doing at the box office.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton