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Jewish World Review
Oct. 14, 2005
/ 11 Tishrei, 5766
FEMA too late to save Nick and Jessica's marriage
By
Andy Borowitz
Agency ‘Caught Unawares’ By Marital Meltdown
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
In the latest setback for a troubled government agency, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) acknowledged today that it had been too late to save the marriage of singers Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.
At a press conference in Washington, D.C., a red-faced R. David Paulison, the interim chief of FEMA, admitted that the agency had been "caught unawares" by the celebrities' marital woes.
"I thought everything was fine with them," Mr. Paulison told reporters. "The first I got wind that they were having troubles was late Tuesday morning."
Once the FEMA chief learned that Ms. Simpson and Mr. Lachey were on the rocks, it took the agency a full twenty-four hours to dispatch an emergency marriage counselor to their home in Los Angeles, but by then it was too little, too late, FEMA's critics charge.
Those same critics allege that amid the turmoil in the agency in recent weeks, someone had allowed FEMA's subscription to Us Weekly to lapse.
At the White House, President Bush expressed surprise that the marriage between the stars of MTV's "Newlyweds" was coming to an end: "Who could have guessed that Nick and Jessica's wedding vows would be breached?"
For his part, FEMA's Paulison said that the agency had learned its lesson "the hard way" from the Nick and Jessica breakup and would be better prepared the next time: "We are going to be monitoring Ashton and Demi very, very closely."
Elsewhere, Apple Computer today introduced the first Video IPod, expected to be popular among porn fans with excellent eyesight.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2005, Andy Borowitz
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