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Jewish World Review Sept. 20, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The World Meteorological Association released a photo of a two-hundred-mile-long lightning bolt that lit up the sky over Eastern Oklahoma nine years ago during a thunderstorm. There's a reason that it took nine years to report it. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three.
• Beverly Hills construction crews began tearing down Will Rogers' old house on Beverly Drive Monday. He provided a valuable lesson to future comedians. Will Rogers once joked the U.S. has the best government money can buy, and shortly afterwards he was killed in a mysterious plane crash.
• New Jersey police arrested New York and New Jersey bomber suspect Ahmad Khan Ramani after a shootout with police Monday. Twenty-eight people were injured by the blasts. Officials were grateful there weren't any more because the medical staff at Chelsea Clinton's apartment was already stretched thin.
• ISIS celebrated the New York and New Jersey bombings committed by Ahmad Khan Ramani before his capture Sunday. The bombing suspect is a twenty-eight-year-old Muslim who recently returned from a trip to his native Afghanistan. The Obama administration is still looking for a motive.
• NBC News reported that New York City was spared a second bombing on Sunday because thieves found the suitcase in which the bomb was stored and ran off into the night with the suitcase. The motion disabled the bomb. Every now and then, those New York Values come in handy.
• New York bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Ramani was caught by New Jersey cops Monday for setting off the two bombs in New Jersey and Manhattan. The administration refused to link him to ISIS. The good news is, he's got a pair of tickets to the sold-out Cat Stevens concert if anybody wants them.
• Donald Trump rose to a seven-point lead over Hillary in the L.A. Times-USC nationwide daily tracking poll. His opponents hate him. Jane Goodall just observed that Trump's behavior is similar to a chimpanzee's, and now PETA is calling for a boycott of all her shows on the Discovery Channel.
• President Obama addressed the Congressional Black Caucus dinner in Washington Saturday and said he'd consider it a personal insult if blacks don't vote for Hillary. The Bushes, Clintons and Carters are just as concerned. No one wants Donald Trump to have the keys to those file cabinets.
• Hillary Clinton addressed reporters at a New York airport hangar Monday. They covered her every step up the stairs to the plane as she grabbed the rail with one hand and held the umbrella with the other. She went so slowly that the NYPD had time to get to the top of the stairs and pull her to safety.
• Vladimir Putin's United Russia political party on Sunday maintained control of the country in parliamentary elections. However there were reports of ballot irregularities and charges of voter fraud. An optimist is defined as anybody in Russia who stays up late to see how the election turns out.
• The Washington Times reported that ten thousand Syrian refugees have been re-settled from the Syrian war zone into U.S. cities. Several hundred Syrian refugees were recently re-settled in New Orleans and they're assimilating quickly. In fact, they're already complaining about the crime.
• The Los Angeles Times tracking poll showed Donald Trump with a six-point lead Thursday but he trails Hillary by a large margin in Southern California. Trump may be trailing because Los Angeles already has a wall that keeps out illegal aliens. It's called two-thousand-dollars-a-month rent.
• Hillary Clinton tried to rebound from a very tough week Thursday by reopening her campaign in North Carolina. Her comeback was buoyed that very day when her face appeared on the October cover of Women's Health magazine. It got Hillary a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Misdirection.
• Colin Powell's e-mail was hacked and released last week, revealing stinging barbs against the presidential candidates and family members. In the e-mails, Powell made several references to the Clinton Mafia. That would mean Roger Clinton is Fredo, so don't ever go fishing with Roger Clinton.
• Samsung recalled their Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones for catching fire and exploding. Their batteries short-circuit, ignite the liquid surrounding the lithium battery and burn everything on the phone. If Hillary loses the election her next million will come from her Samsung endorsement.
• New York City's Guggenheim Museum unveiled an eighteen-carat gold toilet Thursday which will be installed in a unisex bathroom on the first floor of the museum for anyone to use. What a generous gift. The solid gold toilet is on loan to the museum from Donald Trump's backup airplane.
• The Las Vegas Sun ran a poll Thursday saying that Donald Trump has surged into a tie with Hillary Clinton in Nevada. It's demoralizing to many. Just when Nevada thinks it owns the title of the place where Americans make the poorest choices of their lives, along comes Hillary or Trump.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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