Which incarnation of ultimate evil are you?

In recent days Hillary Clinton has compared Republicans to Islamic terrorists (their "extreme views" about women are like those of "terrorist groups" who "don't want to live in the modern world") and to Nazis (Republicans want to "pull people out of their homes and workplaces, round them up," and put them in "boxcars").

As they say in journalism, this is problematic. First, it's awfully early to start obeying Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies. Second, Clinton omitted some other incarnations of ultimate evil that some Republicans also might resemble. And third, she did a poor job of explaining which Republicans most strongly resemble which incarnations of evil. Voters need more information.

To that end, here is a quiz to help Republicans and GOP-watchers determine which form of evil the candidates and their supporters epitomize.

1) In high school, your nickname was:

a) Farmer Ted
b) Obergruppenfuhrer
c) The Saracen
d) The Crawling Chaos

2) You find yourself in the company of 72 virgins. This means you have:

a) something in common with all of them
b) to test them immediately for genetic superiority
c) martyred yourself
d) breakfast

3) When you walk into a party, you prefer to:

a) slap Weez in the face before busting a move on the dance floor with a sophomore chick
b) circulate the room, making smooth chitchat about the Master Race
c) fire an AK-47 in the air and order everyone to get on their knees
d) immobilize everybody with a nameless dread that curdles all hope and drives men mad

4) Whose hair is to die for?

a) David Bowie's b) Miley Cyrus'
c) ZZ Top's
d) The Kraken's

5) A runaway train is barreling down a track, about to kill five unsuspecting people. You are standing on a bridge over the track, and can stop the train if you push the fat man standing next to you into its path. What do you do?

a) You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
b) Is the train running on time?
c) Who are the infidels in this scenario?
d) Why can't I kill all six?

6) When you really need to unwind, there's nothing like:

a) Wearing your retainer while passed out in the back seat of a Rolls-Royce
b) Vichy France
c) A barren cave deep in the Hindu Kush
d) Your house at R'lyeh where, dead, you can lie in wait and dream

7) There's nothing you hate more than:

a) Jocks b) Jews
c) Jews
d) everything

8) In two words, describe your signature "look":

a) freshman geek
b) uptight fascist
c) bug-eyed maniac
d) gibbering monster

9) Which of these quotations best describes your relationship with the opposite sex?

a) "Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some (girl) borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me — blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you."

b) "You have been given the honor of sleeping with a German woman, an officer of the SS!"

c) "A man may not kiss the female slave of another, for kissing (involves) pleasure, and pleasure is prohibited unless (the man) owns (the slave) exclusively."

d) "Animal fury and orgiastic licence here whipped themselves to daemoniac heights by howls and squawking ecstasies that tore and reverberated through those nighted woods like pestilential tempests from the gulfs of hell."

Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, and 4 for each d.

Results:

1-9: You are The Geek from the classic John Hughes teen rom-com "16 Candles" — a fast-talking, overconfident high school freshman with superficial attitudes about women. But demonically evil? You wish.

10-18: You are a member of the Waffen SS — an armed branch of the Nazi Party in charge of death squads and other heinous activity. Everyone hates you.

19-27: You are a member of the Islamic State — a believer in a particularly crude and reactionary interpretation of Islam, who delights in inventing grisly new ways to murder and enslave people. Everyone hates you.

28-36: You are one of the Great Old Ones, a race of alien gods from the Cthulhu mythos that exists outside of normal space and time. Your unspeakable evilness is too hideous for the mind of man to comprehend.

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A. Barton Hinkle is Deputy Editor of the Editorial Pages at Richmond Times-Dispatch.