But you know they will be. "I wanna watch" will be the cry of those asking for a verb, not a noun.
Watching isn't the only thing they'll be doing, either. They'll be counting our carbs and counting our steps, monitoring our fluid intake as well as our work day's output, and weighing our acts of judgment right along with weighing our bodies.
The "iWatch," according to the hype, will allow us to put away our wallets because we'll be able to use Apple Pay to "buy coffee, groceries and more" right from our wrists.
Can you believe it's taken this long? I mean, the extraordinary exertion involved in reaching for a piece of plastic, not to mention the sheer drudgery of the act of swiping, takes an unconscionable amount of time and is one of the leading causes of muscular cramping of both thumb and index finger in many first-world nations.
Think of the value to humanity: Consider the legions of otherwise healthy women carried out of Nordstrom's all over our great nation daily because of their retail-related injuries; imagine suffering that will be alleviated when we no longer have men on gurneys being airlifted from parking lots next to L.L. Bean's who were tragically brought low by the swift and repeated use of their cards while buying kayaks and Thules.
Soon we'll all be attached to a wee computer that nags because we'll want to be. The fact that we're choosing this entrapment is the amazing part.
It won't be strapped on us against our will, like an ankle monitor worn by a parolee, but it's not as far removed from one as you might think. We'll be signing up to make sure somebody knows where we are at all times. We'll never walk alone, not even if we want to.
The main difference is that we'll be able to choose the color.
In addition to telling us how many calories we've burned and how many minutes of "brisk activity we've enjoyed" (it's too easy to make a sexual joke here, so I won't), it will also tell us how often we've taken a break from sitting down. In my case, my intake of calories will be, oh, roughly 17 times the number I burn in brisk activity or getting out of my chair.
In other words, the "iWatch" will not provide information to help me improve my sense of self-esteem or improve my health but, instead, with all that electronic nagging will make me more stubborn and set my invidious ways more firmly into the unyielding cement of habit.
Sure, it'll try to make us a better people. It will, apparently, reward us for good behavior: "Earn special badges for a variety of achievements," says the hype. "Not only is it a nice reminder of what you've accomplished, but it also encourages you to keep going." I prefer when the casino gives me points toward meals, to be honest.
I'm not sure what a badge or a high-five from my latest accessory will do for me in the long run except make me get nostalgic for Green Stamps. At least with Green Stamps, if you got enough of them, you could get a toaster. If you get good grades from your jewelry, I don't think it counts for much.
Our electronic Jiminy Cricket will, no doubt, tell us when we're slouching, when we've made a bad investment, eaten too many avocado halves, pakoras or cannoli, made a fool of ourselves in front of a large group, bought the wrong outfit, and when we've spent too much time with that loser who'll never amount to anything.
All of this means it has finally happened: Family will now be entirely replaceable by technology. Aunts will go out of business.
The most intriguing option? "The built-in heart rate sensor … sends your heartbeat. It's a simple and intimate way to tell someone how you feel." That's what Apple's advertising tells us.
Readers, you know that somebody's out there right now working on a way to simulate heartbeat patterns. Soon you'll be able to fake your own heartbeat.