Jewish World Review Sept. 25, 2012/ 9 Tishrei, 5773
Undergarments on parade
By Celia Rivenbark
See, I forgot about the purse search.
Because of bin Laden & company, you cant just walk into a concert, performance or ball game. You have to open your purse to prove youre not packin.
I was in line to see Kathy Griffin, a bawdy broad doing stand-up for a couple of thousand gay guys and me. I was ready for the fabulosity to begin when I noticed the purse search just ahead.
What can I tell you? Two beers and a platter of nachos the size of a hubcap had convinced me to shed my Spanx before the show. Did the Spanx shave 15 pounds off in some miracle of physics I will never understand?
You betcha. Would they threaten to pop and fly away like a rogue birthday party balloon if I asked them to sit still for two hours?
So I chose comfort. In the privacy of the ladies room at the sports bar across the street, I stuffed the Spanx into my purse and my stomach was instantly grateful. Now it could just fall where it wanted. It could drift over into the next seat if it liked.
It was too late to toss my underwear into the shrubbery where it could torture an innocent homeless person. What to do?
Maam, please open your purse for me, said a very young man. I didnt do anything, so he asked again, a little louder.
Why? Do I look threatening? I asked, my nervous tone making me seem very threatening indeed.
No, maam, but we have to search the purses, he said. Its the rule.
And so with my heart heavy but my stomach headed for the Dippin Dots concession on its own, I unzipped my purse.
He poked at the contents with what looked like half a broom handle and then he stepped back.
I-I-Im sorry, maam, he stammered.
His apology rang hollow, since my Spanx were suspended in the air on the end of the broom handle thingy.
Clearly, he was traumatized by this unexpected confrontation with lacy black shapewear, size L, right there on top of my wallet, phone, car keys, Altoids, ATM receipts, three lipsticks, cat hair removal wipes, travel hair spray, spiral notebook, squished Nutrigrain bar, business cards, small round-bristle brush, large round-bristle brush, floss, mascara, age-defying redness solution foundation, Purell in pen dispenser, Purell in purse-size bottle and some really useless stuff.
All good, he said a bit too brightly.
Easy for him to say.