Jewish World Review Sept. 21, 2011 / 22 Elul, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Peyton Manning got stem-cell therapy in Switzerland on his injured neck Friday. Fat cells from the stomach are used to regenerate old cells and make them new. Nobody realized until now that Americans had the fountain of youth hanging over their belt buckle.
Charlie Sheen served as presenter at the Emmy Awards on Sunday in Hollywood. He looked sober and suntanned instead of pale and greenish. The tour buses are filled with people who flock to Hollywood this time of year to watch Charlie Sheen change colors.
NASA said a burned-out satellite will fall out of orbit and crash to the earth on Friday and land somewhere in the middle latitudes. Last month the satellite got five hundred million dollars in loans from the stimulus bill, and that apparently brings down everything.
Black Entertainment's Tavis Smiley ripped President Obama Friday, saying he ignores black people. Black congressmen said the same thing Monday. The Commissioner of Baseball just announced he's giving Bill Clinton back his record as the first black president.
Bill Clinton promoted his annual Global Initiative summit in Manhattan Sunday which coincides with the return of all the U.N. diplomats to town. It's always a busy week in New York. The hotels are all staffing up with detectives in preparation for rape season.
Italy's prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was caught on tape Monday saying he had sex with eight women on New Year's Eve. He swears he's happily married. No line in politics gets a bigger laugh than when the leader of Italy tells his parliament that the state of the union is good.
The London Telegraph reported the world's premier sperm bank Cryos has stopped taking sperm from redheads due to lack of demand. That will change. In today's world if you don't want to have a child with a hundred and fifty siblings at school, ask for a redhead.
The Department of Health released statistics Friday showing a huge shift in U.S. drug habits. For the first time more people died from prescription drugs than illegal drugs. The Jackson family never should have published that book of Michael's favorite recipes.
New York lawmakers made plans Monday to push Las Vegas-style casinos in New York City. The demand is huge. People want a place where they can go and have a couple of drinks and make some fast money, and the New York Stock Exchange lost its liquor license.
German pubs opened their annual Oktoberfest celebration throughout Germany last week. The Germans drink for three consecutive weeks every October. It took France and Russia a thousand years to deduce that the time to take back their country is in November.
President Obama named his new tax hike on upper-income Americans after Warren Buffett Monday. Most of the billionaire's business comes from selling insurance products which help rich people avoid high taxes. He paid President Obama ten million dollars for the naming rights and he already made his money back.
Hillary Clinton offered Palestinians new negotiations with Israelis Monday in an attempt to stall a U.N. vote on statehood. The Palestinians want all Israeli settlement activity to stop on land that they hope to have one day for their own country. The Israeli settlers on the West Bank would be getting a lot better coverage if they called themselves the Sooners.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton