Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2010 / 27 Elul, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Paris Hilton told Las Vegas police last Friday that the cocaine a cop found inside her purse was chewing gum. It's quite possible she means it. Back when Paris Hilton was in high school it cost her three thousand dollars a day to make sure she brought enough gum for everybody.
President Obama ducked a question about being a Muslim on NBC Sunday and changed the subject to his birth certificate. His religion is a bit vague. Somebody asked him what he thought of the Apostles Creed and Obama said it was his favorite character in all the Rocky movies.
The Coast Guard responded to an oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico Thursday. Luckily it turned out to be an old dormant well. After the authorities ascertained there was no oil spill, a duck was arrested on the beach for soliciting a bath from a minor.
The White House declared an end to the War in Iraq as U.S. combat troops finished leaving the country. Despite the victory we're still number two in the Top Ten. Germany is still number one in the polls, despite its last two losses, based on strength of schedule.
President Obama's Oval Office speech ending the war in Iraq drew the lowest TV ratings of all his speeches Tuesday. It's because we all know the war is only technically over. U.S. troops are still hunting al-Qaeda in Iraq, but now they have to wear orange caps.
Hillary Clinton hosted the leaders of Israel and the Palestinians Thursday for Middle East peace talks in Washington. A genie once gave Hillary her choice of two chances to make history. He told her she could try to achieve peace in the Middle East or she could try to reform Bill, and she immediately told the genie to hand her the map.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton