Jewish World Review Sept. 3, 2010 / 24 Elul, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas for cocaine possession last weekend when coke fell out of her purse while a cop was busting her for pot. Her family is fed up. The Hilton Family Foundation just offered Paris ten million dollars to change her name to Motel Six.
The Discovery Channel studio in Maryland was taken hostage by enviro-terrorist James Jay Lee Wednesday. You can spot these guys ahead of time. Anyone who's ever watched Crazy Assassins Week on the Discovery Channel knows they always go by three names.
The Hispanic Center in Washington reported Wednesday that the number of illegal aliens in the U.S. fell last year. What's here for them? No one wants to say it feels like this recession is never going to end, but the double-digit unemployment number is now old enough to drink.
Japan won the Little League World Championship in Williamsport Sunday, defeating the U.S. team. It probably set off last week's Wall Street stock market rally. Getting clobbered by Japan on a Sunday is traditionally the sign that the depression is about to end.
Michael Douglas discussed his throat cancer with Dave Letterman Tuesday. His recovery will proceed in three stages. First the cancer is blasted into remission by radiation, then more radiation eradicates all remaining cancer cells, and then he apologizes for all the nasty things he said about nuclear power in The China Syndrome.
President Obama gave a televised address from the Oval Office Tuesday, ending the Iraq War. It forced him to declare victory in a war he bitterly opposed. He looked like Sidney Poitier accepting the Academy Award for Yosemite Sam, except Sidney would be more sincere.
Washington Nationals star rookie Stephen Strasburg injured his pitching arm last week, which could sideline him for two years. He's already been paid a fortune in up-front millions. Luckily he plays in Washington D.C. so the waste of money went virtually unnoticed.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton