Jewish World Review Sept. 29, 2009 / 11 Tishrei 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Michael Jackson praised Adolf Hitler as a great showman in audiotapes released Friday. He said he could have healed Hitler with love and kindness. No one in Hollywood wants to know how he deduced this but everybody wants to know where he bought his pot.
Mackenzie Phillips told Oprah Friday she had incestuous relations for ten years with her rock star father John Phillips. It was a Seventies thing. After California toughened its law on driving under the influence, everyone just stayed home and made the best of it.
The White House said swine flu vaccines will be in doctors' offices Monday. Many parents are refusing to have their kids vaccinated. They're afraid the kids will walk out of the doctor's office clapping their hands and chanting Barack Hussein Obama.
Iran agreed Saturday to let U.N. inspectors inspect its once-concealed underground reactors. Their very survival is at stake. Iran knows that in America the only way a president can improve his approval ratings is to have an affair or invade a country.
President Obama refused Friday to commit to more troops or a draw-down in Afghanistan. He's not ready to address it yet. He believes we must show great patience on Afghanistan, however we must hurry up on health care reform because people are dying.
The PGA Tour awarded the ten million dollar prize for the FedEx Cup Sunday. It looks bleak. At the rate the tour is losing corporate sponsors due to bankruptcies, next year's tournaments may all be sponsored by the U.S. Marshals Service and Yale Locks.
London Police gave up arresting the young woman who walks naked through London every day. They've accepted her as an eccentric. She chats with everybody as she walks around Hyde Park totally nude, and even she thinks President Obama is overexposed.
Libya's Moammar Khaddafi spoke to the U.N. Wednesday where he referred to President Obama as his son and said he hopes Obama will be president forever. It was mortifying. Democrats just realized that Moammar Khaddafi is worse than a terrorist, he's a birther.
Moammar Khaddafi said in his U.N. speech that the delegates were jet-lagged from their flight over the ocean. It's ominous. Unlike most nations, which merely complain about all the air traffic in the sky, Libya has a track record of doing something about it.
Donald Trump rented his Westchester mansion to Moammar Khaddafi last week. The neighbors were outraged when they saw the Bedouin tent going up in the backyard. It just takes one Predator drone missile to move in, and there goes the neighborhood.
President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly Wednesday where he lectured everybody about the equality of mankind. He said no nation can or should try to dominate another country. He won't rest until the Colonial Open is renamed the Reparations Cup.
Homeland Security warned Thursday that terrorists might target NFL games. They want to install facial recognition cameras to keep out suspicious characters, but they can't put them at the players' entrance. If the Bengals hosted the Raiders, it would be a race to see who forfeits first.
The White House weighed sending Special Ops forces into Afghanistan to hunt down the enemy Wednesday. At the conclusion of boot camp, the soldiers undergo brutal survival training. They're released back into the U.S. economy and told to find a job in six weeks.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton