Jewish World Review Sept. 26, 2009 / 9 Tishrei 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Congress agreed Friday to allow the import of Chinese chickens if China allows safety inspections of Chinese facilities. There's nothing wrong with the way the Chinese prepare their chickens. They simply tell them straight out that they're going to die.
Al-Qaeda was prevented from blowing up a skyscraper in Dallas Thursday. The plot was foiled by undercover FBI agents who supplied the terrorist with fake explosives. The FBI did a great job but they remain two interceptions behind Tony Romo for the week.
President Obama gave three televised speeches last week. He also did five news shows and David Letterman. Americans are washing their hands three times a day and sneezing into their elbows but it has done nothing to stop the spread of Obama Fatigue.
Oklahoma geologist Jan Cannon struck gold in Alaska's remote Tongass National Forest on Thursday. Once mined it will produce thirty million ounces of gold. Now the only thing that'll protect you from inflation is dehydrated food and canned goods.
Libya's Moammar Khadaffi gave a bizarre and rambling seventy-five minute speech to the U.N. Wednesday. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He's the first man in history to cancel a weapons of mass destruction program in exchange for stage time.
President Obama warned Friday that Iran poses a threat to U.S. interests. Where have we heard that song before? At the rate Barack Obama is rehabilitating George W. Bush's reputation there could be a monument to him on the National Mall by next year.
President Obama quoted the CIA Friday saying Iran is hiding secret underground nuclear labs. There's no way to know if the intelligence is correct. Now that he's got the Justice Department torturing the CIA they'll tell him anything he wants to hear.
Chrysler started a redesign of the Fiat on Friday. They have to make it bigger for the U.S. market. Americans need bigger seats than Italians because we eat french fries with our pasta and they don't, and it must sleep five until the depression is over.
Senator John Ensign explained the Senate health care bill Friday. It's popular out west. Anyone who doesn't buy insurance may go to jail for twelve months, or as twelve percent of Californians see it, one year of free housing, food and health care.
Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov bought the New Jersey Nets Thursday. The Kremlin forced him to divest his stocks last year after he bought hookers for investors, leaving him with billions in cash when stocks crashed. For all the bad luck hookers have brought public figures lately, the pendulum was bound to swing the other way eventually.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton