Jewish World Review Sept. 23, 2009 / 5 Tishrei 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Dallas Cowboys drew a hundred thousand fans for their stadium opening game with the N.Y. Giants Sunday. Everyone described the stadium's atmosphere as being just like college. No one wanted to leave because they knew there are no jobs waiting for them.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning in Encino Monday. It was an epic battle. Alcohol has been waiting four hundred years for an actor who can stay in the ring with it, and David Hasselhoff lasted two rounds longer than most.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Lalibertie will travel to the Space Station this week to become the first clown in space. This isn't going to help the popularity of the space program. If there's anything more obnoxious than mime, it's mime in zero gravity.
The Health Department advised Americans Monday to avoid swine flu this fall by washing your hands. People with the flu are hot, dizzy and confused. Every time another blonde gets off the bus in Los Angeles the CDC swoops in with a butterfly net.
Bill Clinton recalled in taped memoirs Monday how Boris Yeltsin walked outside the White House onto Pennsylvania Avenue drunk one night. He stood in his underwear shouting for a pizza. It is the essence of diplomacy to take your cues from your host.
NFL Merchandise reported Friday that the Brett Favre football jersey is by far the number-one seller on the NFL website. America's favorite athlete is now a white Mississippi cotton farmer. Last November Barack Obama was a symbol of how far we've come as a nation, and a year later Brett Favre is a symbol of how far we've gone back.
New York's InterContinental Hotel installed metal detectors on all doors Monday for Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's arrival. He can't wait to get to New York. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a good corned beef sandwich in Iran.
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday the Holocaust was a hoax, and he added that he loves to make Americans angry, saying Americans are professional killers. That's not true. You don't have to pay Anglo-Saxons to kill, you have to pay us to cease fire when ordered.
President Obama went on all the Sunday news talk shows except Fox News. He had complained to reporters Wednesday that Fox News spends all day attacking him. The next day Russia took Poland from him like a coyote snatching Jessica Simpson's poodle.
President Obama on Sunday discussed his health care mandate in the health care reform bill in which the federal government requires you to buy health insurance. He can't possibly enforce this. The bank accounts are empty and the prisons are full.
ACORN was defunded by Congress last week when ACORN staffers got taped telling two undercover journalists posing as a hooker and a pimp how to scam the government. They didn't stop there. The two undercover journalists went to the U.S. Capitol posing as a pimp and a hooker, and the Capitol police directed them to the lobbyists' entrance.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton