Jewish World Review Sept. 16, 2009 / 27 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Serena Williams blew up at the U.S. Open at Forest Hills Saturday. She cussed out a judge and threatened to shove a tennis ball down her throat. By the end of the day she was fined ten thousand dollars and awarded the MTV Award for Best New Rap Artist.
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez secured Russia's aid Thursday in developing nuclear power for his country. He wants to be the first world leader to have oil, cocaine and nuclear weapons. That's what it takes to hang onto power after you socialize medicine.
President Obama decided to impose tariffs on Chinese-made automobile and truck tires on Friday. It takes a lot of courage to start a trade war with the country that's loaning us the money to keep our government running. They could dock his salary.
Bill Clinton's health was tabloid fodder Tuesday after Americans saw his hands trembling recently on television. He denied having Parkinson's disease and it's true. There's nine hundred pages of federal testimony that he can't control his hands.
Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told people to stop saying swine flu because it hurts hog farmers. The next presidential race has officially begun. Whenever a president's job approval rating slips into the forties, Iowa starts making its demands.
Libya hired British commandos Friday to train their troops in anti-terrorism. They are cool now. Libya's off the list of terrorist nations, but they want to stay in the Axis of Evil because they don't want to lose their group discount on health insurance.
President Obama gave a health care speech to nurses Thursday one day after his health care speech to Congress. It's his thirtieth speech on health care. If Mike Vick beat a dead horse like this he would be sent back to prison for violating parole.
The White House canceled NASA'S new moon mission Friday over lack of money. We don't need the space program for that trip. All we have to do is hire a mountain climber to climb to the top of the deficit and he will get to the moon halfway there.
Energy Secretary Steven Chu was kept out of the Capitol building during President Obama's speech Wednesday. It's for continuity of government if a bomb blew up the building. They didn't keep Hillary out because they didn't want to give her a motive.
President Obama insisted on a public health care plan that pays for itself. It is doable. They've ruled out a soda tax, but they think they can make billions by selling the broadcast rights for a reality show about the senior citizen death panels.
Acorn counselors were caught on videotape Thursday arranging housing loans for undercover actors posing as a hooker and her pimp. The counselor advised them how to stash underage Salvadoran hookers. Acorn receives tons of federal tax dollars under the theory that if the hookers are young enough, it is technically a green job.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton