Jewish World Review Sept. 14, 2009 / 25 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Gertrude Baines of Los Angeles died at the age of a hundred and fifteen Friday in a local hospital. It relinquished her title of the world's oldest woman. Just minutes after she died, the White House released a statement saying they didn't do it.
Michael Jordan was inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. He is a relentless competitor. There's a little old lady in Latvia who books numbers and she never takes a bet larger than three cents, and Michael Jordan owes her six thousand dollars.
The U.S. Coast Guard staged an attack drill on the Potomac near the Pentagon Friday. It caused a terror scare. Out of habit Charlie Sheen claimed the White House knew about the attack ahead of time and he declared victory when the White House agreed with him.
President Obama called for a national day of service at the Pentagon memorial service Friday. He wants us all to do unpaid volunteer work for the country. Why is it that every time there is a Democrat in the Oval Office we become a nation of interns?
President Obama promised Friday that America will never waver in the pursuit of Osama bin Laden. For years he has gone from cave to cave hooked up to a dialysis machine. It's the kind of portability every American wants in a health insurance plan.
President Obama will give another televised address to the nation Monday. He's gotten way overexposed. Paris Hilton should warn him she now appears at brothel openings for ten dollars, which isn't that different from speaking to Congress for free.
President Obama agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il Friday. It may be time. At Kim Jong Il's last birthday party, Syria gave him chemical weapons and you could tell by the look on his face when he opened the gift he already has some.
The London Sun reports Mohammed became the second-most popular boy's name in England last year. The most popular boy's name by far is Oliver. The economy is so bad in England that parents are naming their children after Dickens characters.
The White House took pains to reassure seniors about health care reform Thursday after seniors showed such passionate opposition in town hall meetings. Older people possess a unique talent for getting in everyone's way. They should be guarding Kuwait.
Michelle Obama agreed Friday to go to Copenhagen to lobby the IOC on behalf of Chicago's bid to host the Olympics in seven years. The games would make great TV if they were in Chicago. Mrs. O'Leary's cow could run the last mile to light the torch.
Acorn workers were caught on tape Thursday counseling undercover actors how to get a loan to set up a brothel with underage women. Democrats were furious over the stunt. Now that all the primetime dramas have been replaced by reality shows and Jay Leno, actors are so desperate for air time they are bringing down their own party.
The Netherlands loaned a New York museum the original receipt for Dutch explorer Peter Minuit's purchase of Manhattan from the Lenape Indians four hundred years ago for twenty-six dollars. Liberals cringed. If it turns out that the white man bought the country from the Indians instead of stole it, all charges could be dropped.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton