Jewish World Review Sept. 10, 2009 / 21 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama laid out a health care plan for Congress Wednesday. It creates a huge bureaucracy and still doesn't cover everybody. Democrats approach health care the way the Amish go hunting, the
y sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.
Dutch royals visited New York Tuesday to mark four hundred years since New York was discovered by Henry Hudson. The colonies sprang up instantly. It's a reminder to everyone that America enjoyed its greatest growth when it was an offshore tax haven.
Queen Victoria's bloomers went on display in London Tuesday. When young she had a tiny waist, but the bloomers have a sixty-inch waist. That's why in America we force our presidents to leave office after eight years before the pastry chef can kill them.
Cash for Gold parties broke out nationwide Tuesday after gold prices spiked to a thousand dollars an ounce. Some people are getting rich. The White House pay czar just declared that jewel thieves should do the moral thing and give back their bonuses.
Michael Vick spoke to a high school class in Philadelphia Tuesday. It's part of his community service. Earlier that day President Obama had urged schoolchildren to always do the right thing, and Mike Vick was invited to give the opposition response.
President Obama gave the nation's schoolchildren a heart-rending speech Tuesday about his own rough childhood. It was a reworking of his campaign speech two years ago, but the kids didn't know it. If you can't write new jokes, find younger audiences.
President Obama will get to be the first U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council this fall. He could be forced to mediate a dispute over Israeli suburbs on the West Bank. If he sides with the Palestinians it could cost him re-election, and if he sides with the Israelis, Osama bin Laden will release his birth certificate.
Senator Harry Reid emerged from the Oval Office Tuesday saying the health care bill was ninety percent of the way there. How familiar. At the conclusion of every Middle East peace conference they say both sides are ninety percent of the way there, they've agreed on everything except borders, Jerusalem and Israel's right to exist.
A German AIDS prevention group made an ad starring an Adolf Hitler look-alike to show that AIDS is a mass murderer. The commercial shows him having unsafe sex with a girl in her apartment, but the message backfired. It's intended to show that AIDS is a mass murderer but instead it just makes the point that women really go for bad boys.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton