Jewish World Review Sept. 2, 2009 / 13 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Dick Cheney ripped the White House Sunday for probing the way the CIA interrogated terrorists by using immersion, head slapping and sticking their heads in buckets of ice water. What's the big deal? This is how college kids prepare for class most mornings.
The Washington Post ran an editorial Sunday praising Ted Kennedy and saying they will miss his moral clarity. So will the comedians. The only way they could have set us up any better would be if they'd praised his drive.
ESPN announced Monday their reporters will be interviewing players in hologram form soon. The test was wildly successful. Of course, not all virtual interviews will be as exciting as Michael Vick being interviewed by the guard dogs from Hogan's Heroes.
Walt Disney bought Marvel Comics for four billion dollars Monday. It was to get Spider Man and Iron Man. If someone had told you ten years ago that Robert Downey Jr. would be a Disney icon, you'd have said we'll elect a black president before that happens.
President Obama was reported Monday to be soon to play a golf round with Tiger Woods. It's a big mistake. The nation is nine trillion dollars in the hole and if the president wants to start winning it back he should be playing with Michael Jordan.
John Daly skipped the PGA tournament at the Barclay's last week to record some of his favorite ballads for a CD. His lifestyle is taking its toll. After his last physical exam John Daly's doctor told him that if he has six strong friends, to put them on stand-by.
Fox News host Glenn Beck lost Clorox as a TV sponsor after he called President Obama a racist. Everyone's too sensitive. The company that once promised to get your whites whiter is now promising to get your whites into diversity training.
Southern California brushfires neared broadcast towers on Mt. Wilson Monday. The blaze threatened to cut off all cell phone service and texting and Twitter service. It could be the biggest improvement to auto safety since the invention of the seat belt.
California wildfires emitted a huge mushroom cloud of smoke over Los Angeles Monday. It looked like Hiroshima. We'll never be safe until the Pentagon develops a missile defense system that can protect us from the camp stoves of Mexican marijuana growers.
Arnold Schwarzenegger directed California firefighting efforts Monday with that booming voice of his. He loves to send the tankers and aircraft and water cannons into action. His contract as governor allows him to direct three episodes each season.
Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez was accused by players of working them longer than the twenty-hour-a-week limit. They already fill up thirteen stadiums a year and get paid nothing. Abe Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation freed all slaves held in rebel territory, but excluded those in Union territory or in college football.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton