Jewish World Review Sept. 1, 2009 / 12 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Teddy Kennedy was eulogized at his funeral mass in Boston Saturday. Two of his sons and the priest and the president gave moving speeches. Arnold Schwarzenegger was in attendance in case he was needed but they decided to put the casket on rollers.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency due to wildfires ringing Los Angeles Friday. The flames and smoke were everywhere. All the child kidnappers woke up Saturday and looked out the window and just assumed they had died.
Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Friday she will use Ted Kennedy's name to try to push health care reform legislation through the U.S. Congress. It's only right. That way when the bill falls on its face everyone will think of dear old Teddy.
Ted Kennedy was eulogized Wednesday as a man who cared for the poor and who stayed optimistic. It's an old party trait. A Democrat sees the glass of water as half full, while a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who drank half his water.
Teddy Kennedy's name became a war cry for government-run health care Friday by Democrats. His father was one of America's greatest capitalists. Ted was buried at Arlington instead of in the family plot to keep him away from his dad as long as possible.
Democratic U.S. Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas was reported Friday in danger of being challenged by a conservative Democrat next year. It's a one-party state. People in Arkansas would vote for the Devil if he were a Democrat, unless it was the primary.
The FTC announced a nationwide ban Thursday on robocalls to homes, beginning this week. The recorded calls have become a major annoyance. From now on college students who call home will have to stay on the line and ask for the money personally.
Don Imus was reported Thursday ready to sign a deal to bring his morning radio show to the Fox Business Channel. The idea has tremendous possibilities. If Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson can be lured into monitoring Don Imus on Fox Business News Channel every day, it could brainwash them into becoming capitalists and save America.
The Weather Channel aired pictures of wildfires around Los Angeles Thursday when the hot and dry Santa Ana winds arrived off the Imperial Desert. The Spanish explorers believed these winds cause temporary insanity. How else to explain the rebound in real estate?
Budweiser was rebuked Wednesday for decorating Budweiser cans in local college football colors. They said it encouraged campus binge drinking. Decades ago Budweiser began making their cans in the colors of crimson and cream, trusting that sales to Alabama fans and Oklahoma fans and the Soviet Army would always guarantee a profit.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton