In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Sept. 11, 2009 / 22 Elul 5769

Happy *&#Q@! Birthday, Sweetie

By Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | My nephew is getting a birthday card with penguin on it that says "Gotta Dance, Gotta Sing, Gotta Do that Party Thing!"

My nephew is 32 and a big city attorney that lives in Chicago.

I'd nearly forgotten about his birthday and it was the best I could do on short notice.

Once you step outside the sweet and saccharin genre of cards, there are three remaining categories: body noises, babes and backsides.

The last time I looked at cards I inadvertently opened one with sound that replicated a large farmyard animal, well, you can guess. Cards about flatulence are big these days. ("When you care enough to gas the very best.")

This time I was on the alert for flatulence cards, but I'll be if they didn't get me with belching. I opened a sound card, and "BLECK!"

A kid with three nose rings and a Mohawk walking down the aisle sneered at me and said, "Try saying excuse me. Were you raised in a barn?"

A lot of things come to mind when I think of birthdays — cakes, candles, fire extinguishers, balloons, parties, piņatas, streamers. Passing gas and belching have never been on the list.

Is it appropriate for an aunt to send a card about flatulence? Or belching?

I picked up a card that said it was made out of recycled fabric, opened it up, and the inside was made to look like a pair of dirty underwear. I gagged and grabbed for my hand sanitizer.

All I wanted was a simple card with a quip or a pun that would let a guy know we haven't forgotten about him. You'd think I was asking for the moon. They had that, too — popping out of sun roofs, on top of a dog house and on the doctor's exam table.

So much flesh, so little imagination.

Another card compared a birthday to "p—ing in your pants." I haven't discussed the subject of whether my nephew "had to go" since he was two. His early 30s hardly seems like the time to revisit the subject.

Another card had a picture of an elderly woman on the front. When you opened the card, the little old lady offered to "b" slap the card recipient.

It's rough out there in the greeting card aisle these days. The way things are going, it's only a matter of time before Helen Steiner Rice ventures into dirty limericks.

The research and development on greeting cards is clearly being done in bus station bathrooms.

We spend $7.5 billion in this country on greeting cards every year. In a world of texting, e-mailing and social networking, we still like a card to hold in our hands. It's one of the last remnants of a personal touch.

Too bad the personal touch now comes with an open palm followed by a right hook.

Eighty percent of all cards are purchased by women. And card companies sure wouldn't be making them if someone wasn't buying them.

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Catching Christmas" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.


© 2009, Lori Borgman