Have you seen "Jon and Kate Plus 8," the reality TV show about a Pennsylvania couple who are raising one set of twins and slightly younger sextuplets? While I would've been tempted to just name them Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, etc. as they kept popping out, Jon and Kate Gosselin aren't the frivolous type.
What fascinates — and repels — is the couple's weird dynamic: She kvetches and finishes his sentences; he walks around in a stupor most of the time fretting about his workout or his teeth-whitening or where they should go on vacation.
While most fans admit they love the show because of the rambunctious, adorable Gosselin children, I just fast-forward the TiVo through all the kid scenes. Any time I sense a loooong scene of eight kids eating Cheerios for breakfast, I just go "boo-boop" and get back to Jon and Kate chatting on the couch. Really, until those kids are old enough to discuss the environmental impact of offshore drilling, I'll speed through the endless "Ball! My ball! Ball!" arguments.
In each episode, Jon and Kate spend a lot of time on a cramped loveseat facing an anonymous interviewer and nudging each other in the ribs (a little too hard, I think) and bantering.
A bit player is "Aunt Jodi," a slightly anorexic looking young mom with a penchant for clothes that have that distressing Quacker Factory vibe to them. Jodi once agreed to take care of the eight kids — six of whom HAD THE FLU — while Jon and Kate flew to California for Jon's new hair plugs.
When Jon got home and complained about how much his scalp hurt, Jodi would've been within her rights to carve him up like a Christmas ham on the spot but she is way too nice for that.
Another bit player is Kate's OCD, which the show exploits endlessly. Watching her yell at the workmen for installing new blinds incorrectly, as in a tiny fraction off center, was downright uncomfortable. Kate is very big on, If You Want Something Done Right, Do It Yourself. Just ask Jon. Who hasn't been able to do anything right in a very long time, possibly ever. We'd feel sorry for him if he wasn't just such a self-absorbed schmoe, surfing the web while Kate cooks endless organic meals and scrubs imaginary dust from the baseboards.
If only she'd let him finish a sentence.
Jon: "We were going to go ..."
Kate: "To the park, but there was a piece of dried bubble gum on the underside of one of the picnic benches so I said we should skedaddle to the museum ..."
Jon: "Is skedaddle really a word?"
Kate: (giggling) "Shut up you moron." (Jabs him in the ribs til blood comes out of his mouth.)
Ratings gold, my friends. Ratings gold.
