Jewish World Review Sept. 26, 2008 / 26 Elul 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House held contentious meetings between Democrats and Republicans on Thursday to try to forge a Wall Street bailout. There's a real need for protection for taxpayers. With what they're doing to us, we're all aware we could catch something.
Portfolio magazine released its November issue, called The Billionaires of New York. It shows pictures of their estates, their boats, their furniture and their art collections. The magazine doubles as an auction catalogue from the bankruptcy court.
Washington Mutual was purchased by JP Morgan on Friday after customers pulled out billions of dollars. WaMu's recent commercials didn't inspire depositor confidence. It's the church's place to ask people to pray, not the banking industry's.
Paul McCartney gave a rock concert in Israel before seventy-five thousand fans Thursday. It's nothing like the old days. Halfway through the show the emcee ran onstage and warned everybody there are some bad assets out there and not to take them.
O.J. Simpson's prosecutor rested his case in Las Vegas Friday. Everyone's bracing for the verdict. When O.J. was acquitted in Los Angeles half a million Californians moved to Nevada, so maybe when O.J. gets acquitted in Las Vegas they will all come home.
NBC News said Friday fertilizer sales have plummeted because farmers can't get bank loans to buy manure. Congress let them down. The copy machines can't print the Wall Street bailout plan and run it through the shredder fast enough to save the crops.
Wall Street was flooded with street protesters Thursday over the seven hundred billion dollar bailout. It's not popular. So far only two groups are in favor of the bailout, bankers who would get all the bad mortgages off their books and unicorns.
Congress was flooded by angry calls from taxpayers Friday over the Wall Street bailout plan. You can smell the fear in the air. Every one of those congressmen was redistricted into a safe seat and they just found out that seat is on the Titanic.
Sarah Palin was propositioned by the presidents of Afghanistan and Pakistan on television Tuesday. At last, a plan. We sue them for sexual harassment, we attach their wages, then we pay for the Wall Street bailout with the next two poppy harvests.
Anheuser-Busch sponsored a bill to allow more marketing giveaways in California for flavored malt liquors. They're colorful and appeal to young people. The newest drink is called Autumn Leaf because after one sip you turn red and fall to the ground.
Congressman Alcee Hastings warned a Jewish group in Florida about Sarah Palin Thursday. He said anyone who totes guns and strips moose doesn't care what they do to blacks and Jews. Every campaign starts out with a promise by both sides to be civil and by October second-graders are asking their parents why everybody's name is Hitler.
Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel was investigated Wednesday by the House Ethics Committee. He's got four apartments in New York under rent control. Any guy who writes the nation's tax laws is accustomed to asking for everything in quadruplicate.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton