Jewish World Review Sept. 23, 2008 / 23 Elul 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Bush canceled an appearance at a waste facility in Alabama Thursday to monitor Wall Street. Who's advising him? If he wants to keep tabs on the economy he should have gone to the waste facility, because trillions of dollars were just flushed.
Sarah Palin shocked the GOP establishment in California Friday by canceling sold-out fundraisers in Orange County and Santa Clara. It only works in California. This is the only state in the union where people won't love you unless you reject them.
The Dead Sea Scrolls: Mysteries of the Ancient World is a history exhibit that went on display in a museum in Manhattan Thursday. It's sponsored by AIG. Scholars have been struggling to decipher the documents, and that's just the AIG balance sheet.
New York's Health Department said it gave out forty million condoms in New York last year. People are outraged. If the Health Department knew what Wall Street was going to do to the taxpayers, they should have passed out forty million rape whistles.
Wall Street roared back Thursday on news that the U.S. government might guarantee every bad mortgage in America. It's great for the newspaper business. They can't cut down trees fast enough for everyone who wants to advertise in the Bailout Section.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke met with leaders of both parties to explain the Wall Street mess. The congressmen peppered them with questions. They all want to know how they can pass a pay raise for themselves in gold.
Microsoft canceled its three hundred million dollar ad campaign starring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates after two weeks on the air. The ads dwelled on tight shoes and what it's like to live with real people. Only Eve did more to sell people on an Apple.
Lindsay Lohan wrote an editorial on her website last week ripping the Sarah Palin candidacy. She's had a change of heart. Lindsay Lohan was all for Sarah Palin at first, but then someone explained to her that the white powder in the photo was Alaska.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton