Jewish World Review Sept. 25, 2007 / 13 Tishrei 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Buffalo Bills player Kevin Everett continued his miraculous recovery from a neck injury and doctors said he's making steady progress. The fans in Buffalo watch the news daily. Everyone is praying that Kevin Everett walks again and that O.J. Simpson doesn't.
Barry Bonds told his online readers Friday he'll be sad to leave San Francisco after the Giants cut ties. Life is so easy for him there. Every week the Sparkletts guy comes by his house on Nob Hill and drops off a five-gallon bottle of clean urine.
Floyd Landis was supported by his home Amish community after his Tour de France forfeit Thursday. They don't drink, smoke, drug or have sex outside of marriage. The Amish live a lifestyle just like a movie star if he's recovering on all cylinders.
Britney Spears's car grazed a Mercedes-Benz station wagon in a parking lot Friday and she sped away. She's lucky no one was hurt. With all the foreclosures, more and more people in Los Angeles are living in their Mercedes-Benz station wagons.
Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke to the U.N. about climate change on Monday. He would be a fine president but the foreign-born are banned from the job by the Constitution. Arnold must feel so singled out, considering how we are ignoring the rest of the thing.
Democrats held a debate in Iowa Thursday sponsored by AARP. The candidates all claim they can save Social Security without cutting benefits. The only way to do that is for the government to agree with Baby Boomers that sixty-five is the new forty.
J. Walter Thompson ad agency released an eye-popping survey Friday showing that twenty percent of Americans are giving up sex to spend more time online. It's a new world. Half of eHarmony's business now is fixing people up with new computers.
Utah polygamist and breakaway Mormon minister Warren Jeff's trial went to the jury in Utah Friday after he ordered a fourteen-year-old girl to marry her nineteen-year-old cousin. His options were really limited. There is a state law against outbreeding.
Fidel Castro discussed the week's news in a Cuban television interview Friday to disprove reports he had died. It's no secret how these rumors get started. Any time a liquor wholesaler in Miami has a surplus of rum in his warehouse he starts the rumor that Fidel Castro just died, and the celebration drains his inventory overnight.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton