Jewish World Review Sept. 24, 2007 / 12 Tishrei 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
If I Did It by O.J. Simpson soared on the best-seller lists Friday following his multiple new charges in Las Vegas. His name is magic. Just yesterday the Florida Citrus Growers offered to pay O.J.'s legal bills if he would change his name to Snapple.
Tropical Storm Jerry gathered force in the Gulf of Mexico Thursday in the wake of last month's Hurricane Dean. Nobody's impressed. They could add hurricanes Frank and Sammy and it still wouldn't knock over as many women as the original Rat Pack did.
California on Friday recalled hundreds of thousands of Chinese-made lunch boxes that were given to children. The boxes contained hazardous chemicals and were ordered dumped at toxic disposal sites. We were awfully hard on Saddam Hussein when you think about it.
Bill Clinton appeared on the Daily Show Thursday and the former president made some news. He said he may slit his throat if he becomes First Lady. No one knew if he was kidding or just promising anything to get conservatives to vote for Hillary.
Hillary Clinton spoke to the gay magazine The Advocate, where she denied old rumors she's a lesbian. They watch closely for signals. Yes, she was tapping her foot the last time she was on the Ellen show, but only because she was late for her next speech.
The Federal Reserve cut interest rates to bail out mortgage holders Monday but it caused the dollar to plummet on world exchanges. Not everybody's sympathetic to people who are losing their homes. Al Gore says now they know how the polar bears feel.
Beatles producer Phil Spector's judge in Los Angeles changed jury instructions Wednesday to try to unstick the hung jury in his murder trial. The new instructions make a conviction far more likely. He ruled that no wigs are allowed in the courtroom.
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was found by arbitrators on Thursday to have used performance-enhancing drugs. He's from an Amish family. Not only did he outpedal all the other bicyclists, but every forty miles he stopped to raise a barn.
PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on Thursday announced a new performance-enhancing drug testing policy for players, which begins next year. Don't worry. Performance-detracting drugs won't be tested, so John Daly's safe for everyone to continue to enjoy.
The Dallas Cowboys signed Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson Tuesday despite his recent gun charge conviction. Chicago cops caught him with a houseful of firearms. He chose the Cowboys after he saw Dallas living rooms featured in Soldier of Fortune.
Rudy Giuliani spoke to reporters Wednesday in London, where he estimated he was one of the world's five most famous Americans. It's an honest mistake. Rudy doesn't realize that not everyone reads the New York tabloids during the Changing of the Wives.
New York tabloids erupted in absolute fury Thursday over Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's request to visit Ground Zero. Talk about nerve. Iran is so lucky that George Bush hooked his war one country to the left and we wound up in the deep rough.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Thursday he was trying so hard to find GOP senators to vote for more troop rest that he even called Idaho's Larry Craig. It was a good idea. Who's more likely to vote for more rest for the troops than Mr. Restroom himself?
President Bush told reporters Thursday achieving democracy in Iraq is difficult because Saddam Hussein killed all the Nelson Mandelas. Jaws dropped. You know Halloween is getting close when Republicans start dressing up as anti-segregationists.
Louisiana drew a civil rights protest Thursday over a black kid being charged as an adult for assault. One group was led by Al Sharpton and one was led by Jesse Jackson. What is it about oil states that cause ethnic groups to fracture and fight?
Hillary Clinton got a huge laugh likening Dick Cheney to Darth Vader at a New York fundraiser Thursday. Her increasingly high profile concerns Republicans. They're afraid Hillary Clinton might play too large a role in her husband's third term as president.
The Federal Reserve lowered interest rates Tuesday, causing a worldwide plunge in the dollar. For the first time in decades, a U.S. dollar equals a Canadian dollar. This allows people to save money on prescription drugs without risking carpal tunnel on their calculators.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton