Jewish World Review Sept. 21, 2007 / 9 Tishrei 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Congress held hearings Tuesday on the physical and financial plight of retired NFL players. It's sad. Some of the players are in so much pain from arthritis that they can't even hold their own guns when they are getting their memorabilia back.
O.J. Simpson was driven to the Las Vegas airport after posting bail Wednesday. News helicopters followed the motorcade. It's the most coverage he's had since the day he was arrested for double murder and for driving an American-made car into Brentwood.
Las Vegas authorities released O.J. Simpson Wednesday when he agreed to return to court in October. No one could believe they let him go. Nevada was last seen waving good-bye to Steve Fossett and three weeks later not even Google Earth could locate him.
Dan Rather sued CBS for firing him over a story ripping George Bush's military service. He says he's just a newsreader who narrated the story, he didn't write it. He thinks if he portrays himself as enough of an idiot he can get his anchor job back.
Senator James Webb failed to pass his bill to give U.S. troops in Iraq more rest at home. After the bill lost he stomped his feet on the Senate floor three times. When he got back to his office, Larry Craig was waiting for him with a bottle of wine.
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked to lay a wreath at Ground Zero when he's in Manhattan this week, however his request was denied. We'll make it up to him someday. Everybody running for president is promising to bring Ground Zero to him.
Rudy Giuliani met Prime Minister Gordon Brown in London Thursday at Ten Downing Street. Britain has every city street under twenty-four-hour surveillance by video. Rudy is used to it, the third Mrs. Giuliani intends to be the last Mrs. Giuliani.
Jesse Jackson led a civil rights protest Thursday in support of six black teenagers who assaulted a white kid in the Louisiana town of Jena. It left much of the nation asking one question. What's one more destroyed town in Louisiana at this point.
Los Angeles has the worst traffic in America according to a study released Tuesday. The methodology sealed the deal. All cities have car traffic, but when they added porn trafficking, drug trafficking and the trafficking of illegal aliens, it was no contest.
Beatles producer Phil Spector's murder jury stayed deadlocked on Wednesday. The jury expressed confusion over the definition of reasonable doubt. In Los Angeles, reasonable doubt is what you have whenever an extremely handsome guy is dating models.
Iraq's prime minister ordered all ten thousand Blackwater security contractors to leave Iraq Tuesday. They were described as over-the-top gun-toting U.S. security guards. Al-Qaeda is allowed to stay in Iraq because they're comparatively well-behaved.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton