Jewish World Review Sept. 12, 2007 / 29 Elul, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The FedEx Cup this weekend will award the winner a ten million dollar annuity when he turns sixty-five. The golfers' spouses are not happy with the prize money arrangements. By their calculations, that money will go to their husband's fourth wife.
The Powerball Lottery was won by an Indiana man and his two adult children, who came forward Monday. They will split three hundred fifteen million dollars. It's always a good day in America when one more family can drive a fancier car than Leona Helmsley's dog.
The Makah Tribe of Washington denied authorizing the execution of a gray whale with a fifty-caliber machine gun and a harpoon Sunday. The police rounded up the usual suspects. The NFL player's union is already claiming that the whale fired first.
Colombian drug lord Diego Montoya was arrested in Colombia Monday. He exported tons of cocaine. Now there's an argument over whether the moment of silence at the MTV Awards was over his arrest or the audience reaction to Britney Spears' big number.
Osama bin Laden gave a video speech from his secret location Thursday with his beard and hair dyed dark brown. Only two explanations make sense. It was either a fake beard so he can hide out in a city or he's fallen love with a much younger goat.
The State newspaper in South Carolina reported John Edwards has financial ties to a mortgage lender that recently foreclosed on one hundred thirty homes in South Carolina. The news had an immediate effect. The bad news is he's trailing Hillary in the Democratic polls. The good news is, he's leading Rudy Giuliani in the Republican ones.
Bill Clinton is the subject of a new biography by Taylor Branch made from seventy taped interviews they conducted during his eight years in office. The author said the former president wanted a complete oral history of his presidency. The idea of an oral history wasn't nearly as funny when they started as it was when they finished.
Hillary Clinton's campaign said Tuesday it will return eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars raised by fugitive Democratic donor Norman Hsu. They also hired more people to do criminal background checks on people who are tied to the campaign. So far the only criminals they've been able to identify are the candidate and her husband.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton