Jewish World Review Sept. 7, 2007 / 25 Elul, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bill Clinton took calls when he was on the Larry King Show Wednesday. The show draws an older audience. The switchboard was lit up by outraged viewers wanting to know why Larry King still has his job after getting busted in a Minnesota bathroom.
Senator Larry Craig remained center stage Tuesday after NBC Nightly News broke the story that he will fight to keep his Senate seat. You can't make it up. The newscast was sponsored by Flomax, for men who want to spend less time in the men's room.
Senator Larry Craig hired a top lawyer Tuesday to defend him before the Senate Ethics Committee. He's very strong on national security. Larry Craig's defense is expected to argue that warrantless foot-tapping is necessary to protect the homeland.
German police arrested three terrorists on Wednesday who were planning to bomb U.S. installations worldwide. No one knows how many people could have been harmed. They had accumulated enough hydrogen peroxide to manufacture ten million Barbie dolls.
Orville Redenbacher dropped its artificial butter flavoring chemical Wednesday when it was found to cause lung illness. Reaction was swift. When Congress heard that microwave popcorn causes lung disease, they slapped a two-dollar-a-bag tax on it.
Whoopi Goldberg defended dog fighting as a Southern cultural tradition Tuesday when she hosted The View. You have to understand where she's coming from. Michael Vick is a barbarian and an animal torturer who is heading for prison, but he's single.
Democratic Party and longtime Clinton donor Norman Hsu did not show up for his court date Wednesday and failed to turn in his passport. His time had come and gone. China doesn't need to make political donations to get into Pentagon computers anymore.
Hillary Clinton recruited her husband Bill to campaign with her in Iowa over the weekend to counter charges she's unelectable. Electability is way overrated in presidential politics. Al Gore was elected and he still didn't become president.
Texas paid five hundred thousand dollars to buy a handwritten letter from Davy Crockett to his kids before he was killed at the Alamo. He called Texas the garden spot of the world. He went to his death wishing he had said nicer things about Mexico.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton