Jewish World Review Sept. 4, 2007 / 22 Elul, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Bush phoned Larry Craig after he quit Saturday to wish him well. The president was the only Republican with the courage to publicly console his fallen friend. Karl Rove wasn't gone one day and the president's heart was back in his chest.
New York police and the Coast Guard evacuated Far Rockaway Beach Saturday when sharks were spotted swimming near the jam-packed shoreline. It was uneventful. The sharks were offering teaser-rate mortgage loans to all the swimmers but nobody bit.
Lisa Nowak asked a judge Friday to remove her ankle monitor as she awaits trial for assaulting her astronaut love rival. The judge met her halfway. She can remove the ankle monitor but she can only leave the house to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
The London Telegraph reported Friday that China set up a new recall system for food that fails to pass strict safety inspections. It's high time. To most of Western Civilization The Last Supper is a painting, but in China it is a frozen shrimp dinner.
The London Times reported Saturday the Pentagon has drawn up plans for massive air strikes against Iran to wipe out its military capability. The Iranians won't laugh it off. Tehran has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.
California's U.S. Congressman Duncan Hunter won the Texas GOP straw poll Saturday with his stance in favor of a border wall with Mexico and an immigration crackdown. Senator John McCain, who favored immigration reform, finished dead last in the poll. The next day Bill Richardson called a press conference to announce he's half-Swedish.
The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco Friday greenlighted the White House plan to permit Mexican trucks on U.S. highways. The trucks can cross the border without inspection. The British Navy still won't allow slave ships on the Atlantic, so we had to go to Plan B in order to keep the price of lettuce belo The CBS Evening News announced Wednesday Katie Couric will anchor the newscast from Iraq Tuesday. She will be in Iraq for a week reporting on the action outside the Green Zone. Let nobody say CBS doesn't know how to get out of a long-term contract.
Manhattan hotel magnate Leona Helmsley died last week and the colorful woman's will was made public Wednesday. She left twelve million dollars to her pet Maltese dog. The dog is already under investigation for bankrolling Ultimate Fighting matches.
Fidel Castro wrote a column Tuesday in which he predicted Hillary Clinton will be elected president. He has a natural affinity for the Clintons. When they're in the White House, Cuban cigars wind up on the front page of every newspaper in America.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton