Jewish World Review Sept. 18, 2006 / 25 Elul, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush was reported Thursday to have received one hundred thousand dollars from two sports agents while at USC. Here we go again. By the end of the year Fred Goldman will hold the record for the most Heisman Trophies.
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a law Friday that will outlaw cell phone use on California roads fifteen months from now. Polite society could break down. For two hours a day, everyone in California is forced to sit on the freeway and return calls.
Madonna offered Russia twenty million dollars Thursday to ride on their next space flight. Musicians have a thing for zero gravity. Whitney Houston just filed for divorce from rapper Bobby Brown and she is demanding custody of the family pipe.
Spain passed a law Friday banning underweight supermodels from the country's fashion show catwalks this month in Madrid. The nation is trying to improve its image. Allowing models to eat will really help them make amends for the Inquisition.
Sheikh Mohammed of Dubai paid a record price Thursday for a yearling colt at Keeneland. He will be carefully groomed to run the Kentucky Derby. If the colt had been bought by an American he would already have been put out to carpool by now.
NATO refused Thursday to send more troops to Afghanistan, where the Taliban has come back strongly thanks to the opium money they make in the poppy fields. This year's harvest is breaking records. In the last month only Ford has cut more plants.
Northern Colorado punter Rafael Mendoza was stabbed in his kicking leg Monday by backup punter Mitch Cozad in a surprise attack at night. That's the bad news. The good news is, Tonya Harding no longer has to look for Mr. Right on the Internet.
Tiger Woods was ousted in the opening round of the World Match Play tourney in England Thursday. It gives him an extra four days to practice for next week's Ryder Cup in Ireland, which offers no prize money. Everybody wishes him good fishing.
Congress voted Thursday to build seven hundred miles of fences along the two-thousand-mile border with Mexico. It won't work. The illegal aliens are just devious and clever enough to cross somewhere along the other thirteen hundred miles.
Paris Hilton was not allowed in a New York hotel bar Monday because of her drinking reputation. She was arrested last week in Hollywood. She was so drunk she shouted at the police that the Hyatts are responsible for all the wars in the world.
Harvard announced Wednesday it will not return a six million dollar donation to a billionaire who was arrested in Palm Beach two weeks ago for soliciting a hooker. No one's here to judge. If Harvard clamped down on everyone who hired prostitutes in Palm Beach, they would have to close the Kennedy School of Government.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton