Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2006 / 13 Elul, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Cape Canaveral is scheduled to launch the Space Shuttle Atlantis today at noon. The space program is facing impossible challenges lately. We've seen what zero gravity does to everybody's hair up there and now they can't fly with hair gel.
The Ku Klux Klan held a huge rally at Gettysburg National Battlefield Sunday night. Nothing went as planned. The rally was intended to be anti-black and anti-Jewish, but it turned anti-Hispanic after Ernesto arrived and put out their crosses.
The London Times quoted Hillary Clinton's friends saying she may not run for president. She may want to keep all that money she's raised. Her war chest is so big that her husband finally took that picture of Dolly Parton off the bathroom wall.
The Emir of Kuwait met with President Bush on Tuesday to sign their new Open Skies treaty. It eliminates the restrictions on flights from Kuwait to America. The president is going to get us to an orange alert by Election Day if it kills him.
Survivor lost advertising sponsors when this fall's format was revealed last week. Contestants must compete for food and supplies and cash in teams divided by race. The first team challenge is going to be looting a Wal-Mart after a hurricane.
Washington D.C. was put on flood alert as Tropical Storm Ernesto saturated the Eastern Seaboard with rainstorms Friday. It's no coincidence that Congress is about to go back into session. Snakes are always the first to appear after a flood.
GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich warned South Carolina Wednesday that if Nancy Pelosi becomes House Speaker, San Francisco values would be third in line for the presidency. It might be fun. Every time she poses with policemen and firefighters you'll never know if it's a national emergency or a Village People concert.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton