Jewish World Review Sept. 5, 2006 / 12 Elul, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Brooke Shields revealed on the Tonight Show Friday that Tom Cruise apologized for publicly criticizing her use of anti-depressants. He's truly sorry. He didn't believe post-partum depression was real until he got fired after his baby was born.
The Jerry Lewis Telethon was bumped off the CBS lot in Los Angeles on Monday because Survivor needed the studio space. It was an easy decision. Jerry Lewis has a lot of pull in Los Angeles but he's no match for a race riot in bathing suits.
The Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas last week paid for Mike Tyson to train in the casino for his next fight, while customers take pictures of him and pose with him and point at him. Nobody minds. Once you have lost an arm and a leg, what's an ear?
Los Angeles had huge street demonstrations on Labor Day on behalf of amnesty for illegal immigrants. At least two hundred thousand people flew up from Mexico. Many of them were still wearing their bathing suits and holding their room keys.
Hillary Clinton marched in New York City's West Indian Day Parade Monday. The islands were named by Christopher Columbus, who thought he had landed in India. And to this day Italy is never considered a serious threat to win the America's Cup.
Democrats claimed Saturday the White House is slow to rebuild the Gulf Coast after Katrina. The costs are many. Every history book has to be re-written now because all of them say the Louisiana Purchase only cost us fifteen million dollars.
Mexican President Vicente Fox canceled his state of the nation speech Thursday due to rioting over recent election results. It was impossible to get an accurate vote count. Everyone in the country learned math in the Los Angeles school district.
Mel Gibson was reported on Friday to be cold-calling every Jewish person he knows to apologize for his anti-Semitic rant last month. Everybody in Los Angeles dreams of getting a call at home from a director. Already he's promised the role of Tevye to fifty actors, six rabbis and the head of the Jewish Defense League.
Nebraska Cornhusker fans were screened by Homeland Security scanners as they went into Memorial Stadium Saturday. It's a mystery why Midwestern farmers are considered a national security risk. Somebody must have heard that popcorn explodes.
Boulder authorities released John Mark Karr Monday despite his insistence that he killed JonBenet Ramsey. He says he's been running for ten years from his crime. So much for Tom Cruise's theory that mental illness can be cured by exercise
Hillary Clinton was at an old knitting mill in Seneca Falls Thursday. It's the future home of the National Women's Hall of Fame. Her husband suggested Dolly Parton as the museum's first honoree but he's really not in the spirit of the thing.
Turkey began selling swimsuits for Muslim women Tuesday. It covers them from head to toe in black fabric. Three women have been abducted by bull seals and their husbands are calling for all the prisoners to be released from the Monterey Aquarium.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton