Jewish World Review Sept. 19, 2005 / 15 Elul, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barry Bonds hit his first home run for the San Francisco Giants Friday after a season-long injury. It was quite a moment. When he thanked G-d for the chance to play again, a federal judge in San Francisco ruled the home run unconstitutional.
Los Angeles was reported to be targeted by al-Qaeda for attack Sunday before a power outage swept the city. No one moved a muscle. The people of Los Angeles are so totally laid back that if you gave them a Valium they would go back in time.
The Washington Post ran a poll Friday showing fewer than half the hurricane evacuees in Houston want to go home to New Orleans. You've got to have black people in New Orleans. Without them, Preservation Hall on Bourbon Street will be manned by retired white millionaires playing Neil Diamond's greatest hits on their kazoos.
Delta Airlines filed for Chapter Eleven protection Tuesday. It won't change their hospitality. Toward the end of every flight the pilot announces that he realizes you have a choice of bankrupt airlines and he thanks you for choosing Delta.
The Pledge of Allegiance was outlawed Wednesday over a misinterpretation of the separation of church and state. What the Founders meant by banning a national church was to allow each state to establish its very own religion. Under the original plan, Californians today would be swearing in court to tell the truth so help me Self.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton