Jewish World Review Sept. 12, 2005 / 8 Elul, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Mexican Army entered the U.S. Thursday with supplies for San Antonio. They brought mobile kitchen water treatment plants so our water will be as good as Mexico's water. Now we have a chance to win Best in Show at the Kaopectate Festival.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi called Friday for the resignation of FEMA Director Michael Brown. His agency looked really bad down in New Orleans. If the planning had been any worse Teddy Kennedy would have been in charge of water rescues.
National Guard rescue helicopters flew into the remotest bayous of Louisiana Friday. The area is totally cut off from civilization. They rescued one old guy who has been isolated for so long the chopper pilot was lucky he wasn't a Japanese-American.
Hillary Clinton discussed foreign policy on the Today Show last Monday. Many Democrats can't understand why she's in favor of the Iraq war. Having to watch Bill Clinton working the rope line for thirty years would turn any wife into a hawk.
Sandy Berger was fined Wednesday for smuggling documents out of the National Archives. He stuffed them in the front of his pants. He knew he was busted when the security guard announced over the PA system that Tom Jones has left the building.
Supreme Court confirmation hearings for John Roberts begin Monday. Democrats will never get him. He graduated from Harvard Law School, he clerked under William Rehnquist, and he's rented nothing but Julie Andrews movies for the last twenty years.
Terry Bradshaw returns today for another year of Fox NFL Sunday Football. He has become quite knowledgeable. For years when Terry Bradshaw stepped on the rubber mat going into the supermarket and the door opened, he thought it was a coincidence.
Brad Pitt signed to star in the Assassination of Jesse James. His preparation for the role of the outlaw will include quick-draw lessons and horseback riding. He rehearsed getting shot in the back by changing lanes on the Santa Monica Freeway.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will veto the same-sex marriage bill passed by the California Assembly. It could save baseball. If the bill becomes law, home-run hitters can marry their trainers and no one will be forced to testify against each other.
Barry Bonds returned to the San Francisco Giants Tuesday but refused to talk about steroid use. It causes testicular shrinkage and male breasts. Barry Bonds could become the first ballplayer in history to be both Mr. October and Miss October.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi ripped the White House Wednesday over its hurricane response. She said she wants to work with the president. Of course she does, the same way a six-year-old boy with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton