Jewish World Review Sept. 8, 2005 / 4 Elul, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
New Orleans began the slow process of cleaning up Tuesday as
the water level began to recede on the streets. Authorities warned
that all looters will be shot on sight. Now you know why gasoline
station owners sit inside those bulletproof booths.
Barry Bonds suited up for the San Francisco Giants Monday
but was not in the line-up. This steroid epidemic is way
overrated. Twenty-five years ago so many ballplayers were doing
cocaine that every night at the stadium was Bobblehead Night.
John Roberts was nominated for Supreme Court Chief Justice
Monday. Democrats want to know if he understands that a
Constitution written by plantation owners means that black
students get to be first in line at Michigan law school. Any judge
who doesn't agree to that doesn't get to be buried in Robert E.
Lee's old land.
Bill Clinton was mobbed by hurricane survivors in the
Astrodome Monday after he showed up to hug them. They were shown
on camera asking him to autograph their Bibles. Everyone wanted
him to sign the page that says oral sex isn't adultery.
Great Britain sent two million barrels of oil to the United
States Monday to avert a gasoline shortage. Little did Britons
imagine when they settled America the great alliance that would
result. Who could have envisioned the Petroleum Club?
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez seized a Heinz tomato plant
Monday. Has he got a death wish? Huge Chavez is a communist and he
just seized a plant owned by the wife of the only U.S. Senator
who's ever killed communists with his bare hands.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton