Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2005 / 2 Elul, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that Merck might
settle the lawsuits over the dangers of Vioxx. The pill has one
unintended benefit. Young people in California have begun
practicing safe sex because they don't want to catch arthritis.
Los Angeles Democrats on Friday began trying to persuade
Bill Clinton to run for governor against Arnold Schwarzenegger.
There would be no debates. This could the first time the League of
Women Voters sponsored a grope-off at a cantaloupe farm.
Lance Armstrong angrily denied taking any performance-
enhancing drugs Friday as alleged in French newspapers. He
insisted that he doesn't put any foreign substances in his body.
Everything he takes is made right here in the good old USA.
Congress made no plans Friday to take action on skyrocketing
gasoline prices clobbering consumers. The high gas prices are due
to a lethal convergence of two factors. All the oil is in the
Middle East and all the dip sticks are in Washington.
Great Britain released two million barrels of oil on
Saturday to the United States. What a gift. The world community
may rally to support poor people made homeless by a terrible
natural disaster in your country, but your mother knows what you
Bill Clinton told CNN Wednesday no one could have foreseen
that New Orleans would flood the way it did. Then it turns out
everybody foresaw it. If Bill Clinton could see into the future he
would have appointed Ken Starr to the U.S. Supreme Court.
Colombia's National Coffee Federation said Friday that tons
of coffee stored in New Orleans warehouses were destroyed in the
flooding. One million sacks of coffee were lost. It's just what
the people of New Orleans need, wide-awake sharks.
Jesse Jackson said Friday the government's rescue efforts
discriminated against blacks in New Orleans. There are few greater
evils than racism. According to the directory, racism is the only
one of the Seven Deadly Sins without a home office in Las Vegas.
Democrats pointed out Friday that the New Orleans disaster
was forecast and described in detail in U.S. Senate hearings two
months ago. Yet it still took four days for the U.S. government to
summon the National Guard. No one knows what they're teaching in
those Homeland Security meetings but we know it isn't intelligent
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton