Don't look for the answers on CNN, kids. For this stuff, you gotta come to me.

FROM WHAT POD SPRANG SWEE'PEA?

Lil Swee'Pea, as Popeye likes to say, is an "adoptid infink." Historians of newspaper comics say he first appeared in his long nightshirt on July 28, 1933. The expressive babe appeared in his first cartoon short film in Max Fleischer's 1936 "Little Swee'Pea," in which Popeye blusters:

There's no ifs or maybes

I'll never has babies!

I'm Popeye The Sailor Man!

(Toot! toot!)

(For some reason, in some later animated cartoons Swee'Pea is identified as Olive Oyl's cousin. What-ev-er!)

Popeye first appeared on Jan. 17, 1929, in the comic strip Thimble Theatre, which had already been drawn for 10 years by E.C. Segar. (Wouldn't you think Popeye's creator would be named Pipe?)

The strip originally revolved around Olive Oyl's family. Her parents were Cole and Nana Oyle and she had a brother named Castor Oyl and a boyfriend, Ham Gravy. She was also — believe it or not — a tad pudgy in the beginning. (Too much Ham Gravy, no doubt.)

Popeye quickly eclipsed the other characters to become the star.

WHO HATCHED HUE, DEW AND LOU?

Huey, Dewey and Louie first appeared in a newspaper comic strip on Oct. 17, 1937. They are the sons of Donald's sister Della, and one of Daisy Duck's brothers. They were sent to Donald temporarily while their father recovered in the hospital after they put fire-crackers under his chair. Their parents were never heard of again and Donald had adopted them by 1942.

In Holland the nephews are called Kwik, Kwek and Kwak. (I just think that's cute.)

WHY DOESN'T DONALD DUCK WEAR PANTS?

A lot has been written about this. A whole lot. One would think the entire Internet was invented solely to research and opine on this subject alone. Here's our answer, after reading as much as we could take: HE'S JUST DRAWN THAT WAY! GET OVER IT.

From its manipulation of toddlers to its mighty tentacles that encircle the globe, there are many reasons to resent and fear Disney. This isn't one of them.

Donald has a big fluffy tail of downy feathers and long orange legs with webbed feet. Some of his character would be lost if you put pants on him.

Mickey Mouse doesn't wear a shirt, even though he wears pants, shoes and even gloves. Nobody gets worked up about Mickey's manly little bare chest.

By the way, it is not true that Donald Duck was banned from Finland for being pantless. Donald is very popular in Finland. When he's in Helsinki, the guy can't even pick up a check.

It IS true that a politician and the group he led criticized Donald Duck magazines, urging more educational children's reading instead. But most Fins thought the politicians were daffy (excuse the wisequack), and the politicians' problems with Donald didn't focus on his unclothed lower body.

While we're on the subject, we should pass along this item:

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you?" The duck says, "Gimme a beer. And pull this guy outta my tail feathers."

SO HOW COME GOOFY GETS TO DO THINGS PLUTO CANNOT?

To this one, there is no good answer. Why does this columnist have to sit at the kids' table at holiday meals? Why do you have to read him? Sometimes, life is not fair.

At least you're all wearing pants.

I hope.

NOW FOR A QUICK QUIZ ON THE `80s:

1. What primetime soap opera was the No. 1-rated TV show for three years in the `80s? Key word here is "primetime." Many folks missed that and guessed "General Hospital" or another daytime soap.

2. What was the first name of the little girl who fell down the well?

3. What did a little old lady demand to know on Wendy's commercials in the `80s?

4. Which Olympics did the United States boycott?

5. In the third week of May 1980, what film in the Star Wars series was released? ANSWERS: 1. "Dallas" 2. Baby Jessica. 3. "Where's the beef?" 4. The 1980 Summer Games in Moscow. 5. "The Empire Strikes Back."

PLAY THE QUIZ! SEND IN A QUESTION!