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Jewish World Review Sept. 30, 2005 / 26 Elul, 5765 Old, er, reliable rules for aging By Lori Borgman
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The husband has once again violated the Rules for Aging. He went into details about my age with another man. Granted, he was a little man and only four-years-old, but still, you can appreciate my indignation.
We had loaners stay with us over the weekend, two little ones who belong to younger friends. A comment was made about me being on the short end of the spectrum and I said to the boy, ‘Yes I am kind of short, and you're kind of short, too, but you have many years ahead of you in which you can grow. I on the other hand am probably as tall as I'm going to get. ’
‘You might grow some, ’ he said. ‘How old are you? ’
‘How old do you think I am? ’
He struck a pose of utmost seriousness and said, ‘Are you 20?’
Amazed at the boy's keen eye and obvious intellect, I said, ‘Yes, I'm 20-plus. ’
‘She's 20-plus all right, ’ the husband interjected. ‘Do you want to know how old she really is? ’ (The man is so helpful at times, it is painful.) ‘She is as old as your dad and you and your sister put together. ’
The boy looked bewildered. In an attempt to clarify, I told the boy my actual age. His jaw dropped, his eyes bugged, and his face bore a look of utter horror.
We monitored him for further signs of trauma throughout the weekend, and with the exception of crying in his sleep, ‘Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles! ’ he appeared fine when we returned him to his parents.
Some years ago, I constructed four essential Rules for Aging. I have repeated them often to the husband, but what with short-term memory loss creeping in, he tends to forget. Let us review:
Rule No. 1: We don't talk about age. Ever. It's boring. Besides, age is largely irrelevant, allowing for two notable exceptions: You are being carded for a drink or submitting your photo to Willard Scott for placement on a Smucker's jam jar.
Rule No. 2: We don't talk about bodily functions. There is a tendency as people age to publicly discuss private matters such as internal plumbing. Bodily functions need be discussed only with your care giver, close family members, and your most intimate of friends. Katie Couric may have chosen to take a camera crew with her, but for the rest of us, what happens at the doctor's office, stays at the doctor's office.
Rule No. 3: We will continue to be snappy dressers. This might be a stretch, as neither of have us ever been particularly snappy dressers in the past, but the point is we will not be using age as an excuse to schlep. We will be current — or at least no more than five years behind contemporary fashion trends.
Rule No. 4: We're going to pay close attention to our table manners. We're not going to start slouching, eating directly from serving bowls, having breakfast standing at the kitchen counter and dinner watching Vanna flip letters. We will continue to use napkins, talk only between bites, and use forks starting from outside, and working in.
Oh yes, one more thing: Contrary to what the husband implied to our little friend, my picture won't be on a Smucker's jar anytime soon.
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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Pass the Faith, Please" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.
© 2005, Lori Borgman
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